


Reveal Au: A Little Truth Goes Several Ways

by depressed-sock (jinxedragon)



Series: Sidestep: Kiyo Basri stuff [2]
Category: Fallen Hero Series - Malin Rydén, Fallen Hero: Rebirth (Video Game)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse, Spoilers, ftm character, suicidal scar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 20:28:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 22,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17649344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinxedragon/pseuds/depressed-sock
Summary: You had to save them because if you didn't what would be left to hold you together?





	1. Plans in Motion

**Author's Note:**

> So a couple things before you read, this is based on several past prompts (One where Steel sees sidestep’s scars and one with how that situation happened), there will definitely be spoilers in this one, and Kiyo has the suicidal scar!!! (so there will be content based off that).

**Kiyo:**

 You pace back and forth, worry gnawing at your thoughts. That fucking idiot, always sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong and now he’s let himself get captured by Hollow Ground. Who knows what’s happening to him… he might already be dead… You let out a frustrated growl grabbing the nearest object intending to throw only to be interrupted by a cough.

 “I would prefer you not break that since it contains acid,” Mortum leans against the doorway of his lab and you sigh placing container gently back down, “I know you’re worried Kiyo-”

 You bark out a laugh, “I think I’m a little beyond worried right now.” Your nails dig into the palms of your hands, you don’t know what to do. There’s no plan, there hasn’t been since Ortega decided to come back into your life. You had, had one; become a villain and use every bit of yourself to take down the farm even if it led to your own self-destruction. But that’s gone out the window, Ortega showing up and refusing to leave you alone… again.

 The present mirrors the past but it’s obviously different now. Like a spot the difference game where the people look the same but the entire scenery is different. _And not all the people are there anymore, replaced by shiner new models_. You shake your head, it doesn’t matter if there are new players in the game. It’s the fact that Ortega and Chen are…Fuck.

 Ortega drags you back into his life causing the chaos he always brings with him and suddenly Steel is Chen and you want to fight every fiber of your being just to have a life. You should just leave him in Hollow Ground’s hands, let him suffer and die- you can’t do that… you could never do that to him.

 “Fuck!” Your hands grip your hair and you fully intend to just tear it all out when Mortum puts a hand on your shoulder. You let out a frustrated sob and turn into him letting him wrap his arms around you in a hug. Mortum has been a surprisingly good investment… No, you should say he’s been a good friend. More understanding than you would have expected him to be but also cautious.

 You’ve noticed it’s much harder to read his mind and though that put you on edge it also puts you at ease. He’s not hiding the fact that he’s being cautious around you, that he might like you but he doesn’t fully trust you. You prefer that over Ortega’s blind trust and optimism he has in you.

  “I’ve already got my contacts looking for him,” Mortum murmurs to you, squeezing you tight, “As soon as I know where he is I’ll let you know.” You nod your head against him and you wait a moment before you pull away.

 “I should get the suit ready,” you say already reaching out to wake up the Rat King, who happily responds back to you. You stop mid-step turning to really look at Mortum. He smiles at you sadly, worry creasing his brow, “Thank you.”

 “Well I may owe Charge one or two things,” he coughs out a laugh, “And you’re my… friend. So I may as well help you look out for someone you love too.”

 You can feel a blush starting to heat up your face as you start to stutter, “What? No… I..uhh.. No love..” He smiles quirking his eyebrow at you. “I was…using him and it was only a couple kisses and..”

 “Kiyo,” he laughs at you exasperated.

  “You know that can’t happen…”  you frown at him willing your blush away. Mortum you had no choice but to trust with the truth but Ortega? Chen? The Rangers? You can’t do that, you can’t face the disgust they’ll feel when they know the truth. You can’t face the inevitable betrayal when they try to hand you back over to the farm.

  “I think you should give him more credit,” Mortum’s smile softens into a slight frown. Probably remembering your break down when he was in the middle of saving your life. How you begged him to just let you die because you didn’t want to go back to that hell.

  You shake your head in response, “I’ll give him credit when he stops being a fucking idiot.”

 “That may be a long time off than,” he turns waving his hand letting you get back to readying your suit.

 “Yeah,” you mutter sadly but you can already feel Rat King brushing gently against your mind trying it’s best to offer you comfort. “Thank you.” It responds by happily snuggling against your mind and you can’t help the small smile that makes its way to your face.

…

**Steel:**

 You find yourself glaring at the supposed building that holds Ortega captive, along with a small army of people between your team and him. The frustration you feel is almost unspeakable; the fact that Ortega decided to go after Hollow Ground alone with no backup just brings home the irritating point that you have no control over your team… or at very least you have no control over Ortega. You wish he would stop this spiral of self-destruction, you thought he would with Kiyo back in his life.

  A thought that irritates you more than you would ever like to admit. You thought it was over and done with, being jealous of Ortega’s and Kiyo’s relationship but now it’s become more twisted and complicated. Kiyo keeps seeking you out as a place of comfort; away from Ortega who smothers him in worry, away from Herald who idolizes someone who no longer exists, away from Argents when he steals her snacks. He kept being drawn to you, though you throw actual blame on him being more interested in being around Spoon.

 You started to notice things that would have been better left unfound. The way he smiles and laughs around Spoon always seems genuine, a rarity that you found yourself looking forward to. He’s more honest with you about how he’s really holding up. Trusting you with something he would have never told Ortega. He’s attractive in surprising ways- **No** you need to focus on Ortega and not in the way Ortega is just as attracti- God-fucking-damnit.

 “What’s the plan?” Herald asks standing nervously beside you. His stance shifting slightly as he also eyes the building. You’re going to have to keep him out of the building and you can already feel a headache from his protests that are soon to come. But tight corridors and the ability to fly never seem to mix well and if Ortega’s badly injured Herald needs to be ready to get him out of here.

 “We go in, bash some heads, and save our idiot,” Argent responds for you her, no doubt adding kicking Ortega’s ass to her own list of things she’s planning. You don’t blame her, you too want to strangle him at this point. Letting himself be captured and to make it worse he let it happen in front of Kiyo. You can still see how numb Kiyo was after having to watch Ortega willingly be taken. How broken he looked because he couldn’t do anything.

 “We need to plan this,” you respond, “They will most likely have high security-”

 “Are you all just going to stand here awkwardly glaring at the building? Because if that’s your plan on rescuing your ‘idiot’ it’s a shit plan,” A growling distorted voice comes from behind you and it takes a few seconds to comprehend what your hearing. Argent immediately turns to lunge at Heartbreak who easily dodges her attack. “Now, now I’m not here to fight **you** ,” they hold up their hands in a placating manner, “Not today at least.”

  You find yourself gritting your teeth, _why are they here?_ To lead you all into a trap is the most likely answer. Get you all to go into the building and then help Hollow Grounds men pick you off one by one.

 “How about we postpone the later and start the part where I kick your ass now,” Argent growls, though her face has contorted into a hungry grin. Goddamnit, you don’t have time for this and neither does Ortega.

 “As fun as that sounds, I think we all have more pressing matters to attend to,” they tilt their head pointing to the building behind you, “Hollow Ground took something of yours and he took something of mine as well. As much as I despise all of you I know I can’t take on all his men alone and you happen to need a way in preferably a place where you find your stolen teammate fast.”

 You cross your arms glaring at them, “You want to work with us.”

 “More like… I want our goals to align in equal for a moment,” they shrug, “Or you could do whatever it is you’re planning and fail horribly but I at least will get a distraction out of it to achieve my own goals.”

 You study them carefully, their entire suit screams of someone who prefers to give orders rather than follow them. They’re not on your side and you can’t trust them. Herald apparently fully agrees with you.

  “You’re a villain why would we ever help you?!” his fists tighten against his sides, you can already tell he’s still put out about his first fight with Heartbreak.

 “Listen I get it, you’re all goody two shoes,” they pause in their arm sweep at Argent, “ Except you of course,” Argent snorts in response crossing her arms, “but flyboy here won’t be able to fight in a crowded corridor and your ‘ _charge first think later_ ’ player is who you’re going to save. Meaning you’re down two people and that you’ll need to move a lot faster than is really possible or risk having your idiot killed.”

 They pause a moment watching as you grit your teeth. Herald tries to let out a protest but you hold out your hand to stop him. “ And what exactly do you have in mind?”

 “I’m so glad you asked,” they fold their arms behind their back. You pray for Ortega’s sake you don’t regret this.


	2. Plan in Action

**Kiyo 5 hours earlier:**

 “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” you mutter as you study the holographic map Mortum has laid out before you. These assholes couldn’t put Ortega on a lower floor near the side, oh no, they had to apparently put him smack dab near the center of the building up about 5 floors of 8. “Are you sure this is accurate?”

 “Undoubtedly,” Mortum frowns, as he flicks his finger causing dozens of red dots to suddenly appear, “Let’s not forget the small army as well.” He takes off his glasses rubbing his eyes with a tired sigh. “And of course the dampeners. Kiyo… we’re not going to be able to do this with just the two of us.” He looks as frustrated as you feel.

  “Fuck,” all this information and you still don’t have a clear plan. “I could use Eden to-”

  “No,” Mortum’s face turns stern, you had reached an agreement of not using Eden but you’re not seeing many other options.

 “Fuck!” your hands come up to your face muffling your scream of frustration before you slam them down on the table, “I don’t know what else to fucking do!”

  You grit your teeth as you eye the map carefully. What if?… It’s a definite thought but… no buts Herald could get you up high enough to reach the floor… the others could cause a distraction…but they’re not going to want to leave you alone with him, let alone trust you to actually save Ortega…

  “What if it’s not just the two of us?” you ask, moving your fingers to zoom out the map. There’s a hallway that leads straight to Ortega from that window…

  “What do you mean?” Mortum looks at you confused but you’re already miles ahead in your thought process. How would you get them to trust you? You’d probably have to take someone else with you. Can’t be Herald you’ll need him ready to get Ortega to medical help, Argent would be better focused on distracting and attacking, so that leaves Chen… Mortum coughs into his hand and you’re pulled back into trying to focus on what you were saying.

  “We tip off the Ranger’s and I get them to agree to a temporary team up,” you mumble moving the map so now you’re looking at the dots on the roof. You can brainwash them, it’ll be a fast and dirty process and they’d probably be snapped out of it easily but it might be enough to make sure they don’t set off the alarms too early.

  Mortum barks out a laugh looking at you disbelievingly, “You can’t be serious… you are, shit.” He rubs his hand over his face, “That’s a huge risk, especially if you’re going to tell them who you’re there to save.”

 “Well then I guess I’ll have to be there for something else…” you zoom out the map fully, “What else did your contact say?”

 “Well, there is a weapon you could go after. It’s a floor under where he’s being held,” Mortum adds a green dot below Ortega’s blue one, “We can use the parts for our _‘project’_.”

 “What kind of weapon?” you ask leaning forward.

 “A fun one,” he smirks at you and you can’t help but match it.

 His smirk turns back into a frown, “It’s still a risk I’m not sure you should be taking.”

 “I have too,” you focus on the map, “I have to save him…” _Even if he didn’t save you_. You shake your head, trying to will that thought away. He didn’t know you were alive, it’s not his fault… he would have come like he always did if he knew… would he really have come if he knew the truth about you? You honestly doubt it.

 “You will,” Mortum’s hand is a comforting presence on your shoulder, speaking words he doesn’t fully believe.

….

**Steel Present:**

  You watch as they hold their palm steady letting it project a small map of the building, “Your idiot is located here,” a blue light flashes onto the screen. Right smack dab in the upper middle of the building. _Fantastic,_ the sarcasm your mind supplies doesn’t seem adequate enough for this entire situation. “What I’m after is, luckily for you, directly below him,” a green dot flashes on the screen a floor below the blue one, “The plan is to get you to him and than we go our separate ways as you return to flyboy with the Idiot. There’s a clear path from the window to where they’re holding the Idiot captive,  so it should be a clear shot there and back.” A fifth-floor window lights up along with the hallway leading to the room Ortega is supposedly being held in.

 “So you want us all to fly up there?” Argent glares at them and they let out a loud sigh.

 “No, you’ll be the _‘just in case’_ distraction waiting on our signal,” Argent grits her teeth in response but before she can say anything more they stop her, “Listen I get it, you enjoy a good fight as much as I do and you’re also worried about him but the best chance you have of getting him out of there in enough pieces for you to scream at later is for you to play decoy so we can get him to flyboy.”

 “So you’re going to have Herald fly both of us up?” you eye them distrustfully. This could all still be a trap. Get you all separated so it’s easier to pick you all off. “What about people spotting us?”

 “If I’ve done my job right no one will even know we’re in there until it’s too late,” they cross their arms defensively, “Flyboy is going to need to be ready to extract the Idiot.”

 “I’m standing right here,” Herald frowns crossing his own arms, “Steel should we really be trusting them?”

 No, you shouldn’t be… something about them feels incredibly off and you can’t quite place it. Maybe it’s how they keep referring to Ortega as the idiot, it sets off something in your memory you can’t quite place. But if what they’re saying is true you may not have a choice. Your jaw locks as you stare them down. You’re going to have to take a leap of faith and hope all the stories from civilians about Heartbreak are true. That they’ve saved more lives than they’ve harmed.

 “Fine,” you say and their shoulders sag in relief, “But I want a guarantee that you’re not going to betray us once you have us separated.” They hesitate at that, head tilting to the side like a cat eyeing its prey.

 “What kind of guarantee? I could give you my word but I doubt that would be enough for you. I could even give you the name of someone close to me but names are easy to fake. So what exactly could I give you that would make you trust me long enough to pull this off?”

 “You’re making it really hard to trust you,” Herald glares at them, obviously not looking forward to this whole situation but honestly who among you really are?

 “You shouldn’t trust me,” they respond, “I’m not here for trust, I’m here to retrieve what was taken from me.”

 “What was taken from you?” you ask, what is so important that they need your help to retrieve it?

 “A… friend,” they shake their head with a laugh, “Same as you I suppose.”

  You eye them carefully, there’s no way to tell if they’re lying to you, “Alright, let’s do this.” You hope for everyone’s sake that this is the right choice.

….

**Kiyo Present:**

  You let Herald take ahold of your suit and you both take off to meet Chen who is already waiting for you at the top. It would be so easy for him to let go of you, to let you fall but with how armored your suit is you definitely wouldn’t die, let alone get injured. You can’t help but wonder if he knows that or if the reason his grip tightens is because he truly doesn’t want to drop you. He sets you down gently next to Chen on the other side of the shattered window. Looks like he followed through with your plan, the glass is practically dust as you step on it.

 “Wait nearby just out of sight, until the Marshall here gives you the go-ahead,” you point your thumb at Chen who grunts in response. Apparently, he’s still mad at you, or maybe it’s just he’s fully convinced this is a trap. It’s not a trap for him at least, might be for you considering how many telepathic dampeners are in this place. The Ratking responds with a light comforting touch, you can barely feel it through the dampeners but you appreciate the sentiment all the same.

 You got lucky with the roof guards being just a bit out of range, but here you have an enormous headache and are almost completely head-blind. You’re trusting Ratking to keep you as up to date as it possibly can while also trusting the Rangers not to betray you.

  Herald files off and you turn to find Chen staring you down. He is so much more intimidating when he looks set for war. “This way, don’t attack anyone unless I say so.”

 “You expect me to follow your orders?” his voice is cold, sharp. _A response you deserve_.

 “I expect you to do what’s necessary for yourself **and** your team,” you respond harshly. Chen is a rules first person but you sincerely hope he’s willing to bend them a bit for everyone’s sake. You’re taking this risk fully aware that he might try to capture after all is said and done.

 He doesn’t bother with a verbal response as he allows you to lead the way. You turn off your mic to quickly open a private communication line with Mortum, “How’s everything looking from your end?”

 “Looks clear, no heat extra heat signatures on your level and there are only the same two people registering as awake,” you can hear him quickly type something before he lets out a curse, “You may want to hurry, I’m picking up extra signatures heading towards the elevator.”

 “Fuck,” you curse and Chen looks at you startled by your outburst. Shit, you turned the mic back on too early, “We need to hurry.” You take off down the hall, there should only be two real obstacles in your way and they’re guarding Ortega’s door. “Be ready to start punching,” you say over your shoulder grabbing the corner of the wall to make a sharp turn. Chen slides a bit trying to keep up with your faster pace and sudden turns.

  “Shouldn’t there be more people here?” he asks sounding like he’s regretting trusting you. The whole place feels too quiet to not be a trap and you don’t blame him, you wouldn’t trust this whole situation either.

  “There was,” you don’t bother explaining, it’s not exactly something to brag about. Just some drug-laced pizza you had one of your brainwashed guards deliver. The only two that hadn’t eaten it are the ones still on guard duty. “Get ready!”

 You turn the corner and immediately charge the first guard, who lets out a surprised shout only to be swiftly taken down just as Chen’s fist slams into the other guard’s head. _Too easy…_ it sets off your paranoia. All of this feels too easy, but maybe that’s because you’ve got the Rangers backing you up.

 You don’t wait for Chen to refocus, you go straight for the door and open it. Ortega is battered and bloodied, his head down against his chest as his arms are chained and suspended above his head. His breathing is shallow but he’s clearly breathing. You can feel the immediate relief as you realize he’s not dead or seriously injured.

 “Found him,” your voice feels weak and comes out more like a whisper. He responds by weakly looking up in surprise.

 “Ki-”

 “Ortega!” Chen pushes past you and you let him as fear courses through you. It sounded like… _No,_ he couldn’t know… he couldn’t know that you’re Heartbreak. He couldn’t have been about to call your name.


	3. A Plan Gone Right and so Very Wrong

**Ortega 28 Hours Earlier:**

 “Are you fucking serious,” Kiyo lets out a loud laugh, something that feels so rare these days. You can’t help but mirror his smile. “Chen would not have let you fucking get away with that,” he takes a sip of his smoothie, eyes crinkling happily. It makes you want to forget the suspicions brewing in the back of your mind. More importantly, though did he just call Steel Chen?

 “Chen huh?” your smile grows as he immediately frowns and glares at you. You love teasing him.

“Don’t make something out of nothing,” he looks away from you failing to hide the blush from you, “I used to call him Chen back then too.”

“Sure except when we were alone,” you take a long sip of your own smoothie staring him down, “Then he was Sir Hardass.”

He hides his face in his hands letting out a laugh, “Fuck, I was trying to forget that,” he peeks at you through his hands and you’re overcome with the urge to pry away his hands so that you can kiss him, “Don’t you dare tell him that.”

 “Uhhhh,” you cough into your hand and look away guiltily.

 “No,” he groans hands falling into his lap, “Ricardo! You didn’t!” he looks at you utterly betrayed.

 You scratch the back of your neck, “To be fair it was when…” you lead off because you both know when it happened. During the time Kiyo was dead… but he wasn’t dead… no, he was in someone’s hands suffering while you were here trying and failing to move on with your life.

How can he even smile at you? He should hate you… maybe he does and all you’re doing is making things worse. But you can’t give up on him, not again. You’ve already seen the results of that mistake. Kiyo looking so broken, like he’d given up on everything in that small dinner. You’ve also heard what he’s said to the therapist and thinking about it still makes your blood run cold.

_“Have you ever thought about taking your own life?”_

_“…yes.”_

“Fucking hell Rubbleguy,” he sighs in exasperation leaning back against the bench and you let out a surprised laugh.

“Haven’t heard that in a long time,” the smile isn’t fake and your mask slips easily back into place. It’s been slipping more and more often, something that’s been happening to the both of you it seems. Skirting around the truth, avoiding talking about what’s really going on with either of you and neglecting to talk about your relationship. Only ever a few kisses between you both but never anything further.

He hasn’t asked to go farther and you’re afraid of pushing. You don’t know what he was forced to experience during his time held captive. You want to ask but you doubt he’d answer. He never talked about the things that hurt him in the past and you have a feeling that’s not something that’s changed. _Like everything else._

 “Well my smoothie is done,” he sighs as he shakes the empty cup sadly.

 “You’re going to get another one aren’t you?” you grin at him, maybe not everything is as different as you thought.

 “Of course, Do you want anything?” he tilts his head sideways as he asks and you can’t help it. You reach out and cup his cheek, he lets you pull him closer, lips pressing together to turn into a slow languid kiss.

“I’m good,” you say pulling back with a small smile and he responds with a snort.

“I’m sure,” he shakes his head, his own smile never leaving his face. You watch him as he leaves only noticing the car after he passes it. You glare at it as you recognize who steps out.

**….**

**Steel Present:**

You race past straight towards Ortega. He smiles at you weakly letting out a small, “Hey.” You let out a loud relieved sigh as you reach up to try to take the chains off. At least he’s conscious, that might make this a bit easier. _Even though this entire situation feels far too easy_.

“Be ready to catch him,” the voice growls behind you and you barely have time to react as the chains melt into nothingness allowing Ortega to sag forward into your arms. “The way back should be clear, I suggest leaving now,” They walk past ignoring the look you give them and stand in the center of the room. “Bye~,” they wave before the floor evaporates beneath them and they drop down to the next floor.

“Wait,” Ortega responds weakly reaching towards them but you shift him and toss him over your shoulder before he can say anything else. “Fucking hell! Chen don’t let-”

”Ricardo shut the hell up,” you grit out not bothering to hide your anger as you make your way out of the room and down the hall, “It’s a temporary alliance to pull your problematic ass out of the fire.”

 “That’s not what the issue is,” he’s weakly struggling against your grip but ends up giving up easily enough. “We can’t leave him here.”

“Ortega I don’t know what-”

“This entire shitshow is a trap!” he yells at you, frustration clear in his voice. Your grip tightens and you’ve shifted into a run. If it’s a trap you need to get him out as fast as possible. “Not for us! For Heartbreak!”

“What?!” you ask confused. _Why would Hollow Ground use Ortega as bait for Heartbreak?_

“Just trust me! We’ve got to get Heartbreak out with us!” his voice is pleading. Something isn’t adding up, he’s pleading for someone who has time and time again taken apart him and the Rangers. 

 You reach the shattered window with no one in your way to stop you. Gently, you set him down leaning against the wall and open up your coms to give Herald the signal. You’re silent as you ignore Ortega’s pleas to go back until something in your mind clicks. You turn a glare onto him,“Who is Heartbreak?” He shuts up and almost immediately goes a few shades lighter. He looks out the window and hesitantly back to you.

 “I don’t know for sure…” but he has a suspicion. How long has he had this suspicion and not told anyone? How many times could he have stopped this person if he had told anyone who he thought they were? Who is so worth protecting…

“Godfucking damnit,” you mutter pinching the bridge of your nose. You know _exactly_ who is worth protecting. You know _exactly_ why he wouldn’t tell anyone because he’s got some vain hope of helping _him_ not become what he’s clearly heading for.

“I don’t know for sure,” he states it like a fact but all you can hear is the denial he’s forcing onto himself. You don’t get the chance to respond as an alarm suddenly blares through the entire building just as Herald arrives.

“Sounds like I made it just in time,” Herald smiles at Ortega who looks away from him and back down the hall, worry creasing his brow.

 “Get Ortega to a hospital,” you say and Herald nods his head eagerly. He reaches for Ortega who bats his hands away.

 “Chen…” you don’t have to look at him to know that desperation covers his face.

 You ignore him as you click on the com, “Argent we need a distraction.”

 “Finally!” her voice crackles over the com and you immediately hear an explosion on the ground floor.

 “Uhhh Steel? We’ve got Ortega?” Herald looks at you confused but you’re refusing to meet anyone’s eyes as you glare down the hallway.

“I know. Get him to the hospital and be ready for another extraction,” you move down the hallway from them and towards Heartbreak.

….

**Kiyo Present:**

“Sounds like someone finally realized they’ve got guests,” you comment as sirens begin to blare throughout the building. You run down the hall, heavy weapon case in hand as you whack someone over the head with it.

“You realize you could have just taken the weapon out of the case right?” Mortum chuckles, fingers rapidly typing away.

“True but I’d rather use it as a last resort,” you grunt as you block an attack from a heavily modded women, your armor crunching beneath her fist, “Fuck… Is Ortega out yet?” You kick out unbalancing her so that you can easily swing the case up into her face. _Who needs weapons when you can just whack people with heavy objects_.

“3..2..1, He’s out!” more typing before he lets off a confused curse, “But it looks like the Marshal is in the building still and Argent has started her decoy assault?”

 “What the fuck are they doing?” Gunshots ring out and you pull yourself into the cover of a nearby room.

“They might be trying to rescue you,” you don’t have to see Mortum to know he’s frowning, “Did anything you do give away who you might be?”

“No,” ~~_Ortega knows_~~ , you shake your head. He can’t know, he would have stopped you if he really knew. _Wouldn’t he?_ “It’s probably just Steel not wanting to let me get away.” _That has to be it_ , you don’t think you can handle any other option.

  The gun clicks empty and you take the chance to run back out and around the corner at the end of the hall, “We never did test just how much damage the suit can take, did we?” Ahead of you three very angry men with bats. Hollow Ground must not be paying these assholes well or they were on their way to go play baseball. Either way you find yourself dodging one bat only to have another crack and break on your chest plate. Metal armor one, wooden bat zero.

 “No we did not,” he sighs, “The distraction Argent is providing is keeping a good number of people away but you’ve still have a good number of people converging on your location.”

“Fan-fucking-tastic,” your fist slams into broken bat guy’s face and the other two look intent on running away so you let them. You just need to focus on escaping.

  More typing and a shouted curse, “The Marshall is being overwhelmed!” **No** , fucking-fuck-shit.

 “Which way?”

 “Kiyo-” 

 “Which way!” you yell stopping a moment to catch your breath.

He sighs in exasperation, “Turn left at the next hallway.” You move as soon as he says it. You didn’t risk everything just to lose someone else.


	4. Give Me a Reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: blood mention towards the end of the chapter

**Steel 1 week ago:**

 You snort, hand coming up to your face to hide your smile as you watch him take refuge from the onslaught of dogs by hiding behind the huge Mastiff. Only to have another dog jump in, butting her head into him to tackle him away from the Mastiff who happily stays laying down ignoring the chaos around him. Kiyo lets out a loud laugh petting her with a smile you didn’t even think was possible.

 “Is he yours?”

 You turn to look at the older woman wide eyed, coughing into your hand when she clearly points to Spoon who runs around in a circle before jumping onto Kiyo’s back and covering him with sloppy kisses, “Yes.”

 She laughs lightly, “Thought I was talking about the cutie in the dog pile?”

  “No,” you bite out staring resolutely ahead, trying to will the blush away. You don’t need any added complications.

 She laughs again, “It’s been awhile since I’ve seen him here. I think the last time was before that horrible incident… I had thought he had been one of the casualties,” She looks at Kiyo sadly, “He’s changed quite a bit…though not too much it seems,” she chuckles when he tries to stand only to have a german shepard tackle him back to the ground. “He always did like coming to the park to play with the dogs.”

  You hadn’t known that… you wonder if Ortega ever knew if he’s ever seen Kiyo smile or laugh the way he does only here. “Horrible incident?” you ask looking at her, she couldn’t mean…

 “Heartbreak,” she says with a sad sigh, “I lost quite a few people to it.”

  “My condolences.”

 “Thank you… it’s been a long time since it happened but I’m glad there’s at least one good thing it didn’t take away,” she pats your shoulder gently before turning to leave. “Keep an eye on him, he’s a good kid.”

 You stare at him, watching as he giggles under the overwhelming attention from the dogs. He keeps trying to stand only to be overrun. You turn to say something to the woman but she’s already wandered off away from you chasing after her own dog.

  “Hey!” you swivel your head back to see Kiyo running up, _he has such a nice smile._ Kiyo immediately frowns as he comes to a stop in front of you and you curse yourself. You shouldn’t be thinking that, especially when he’s around. He shakes his head slightly before resuming his smile. “I’m getting a Mastiff!”

 “Kiyo-”

 “Look at the fucker Chen,” he points to the Mastiff whose tongue lawls out of its mouth, “He’s fucking huge!”

 You sigh and pinch the bridge of your nose, “Can you even afford one? Or even afford to take care of one?”

 “Yes,” he says not looking you in the eye.

 “You’re not stealing someone’s dog,” you cross your arms and he looks at you completely offended.

  “I wouldn’t do that!” he pouts, “You’re just saying that because I stole your wallet _once_ , ON ACCIDENT.”

 “You can’t steal a person’s wallet on accident!”

 “You can if you didn’t want to steal a Rangers wallet,” he mutters, “Besides my _job_ pays well enough for me to afford and take care of a dog or any other animal.”

 “You have a job,” disbelief colors your voice but your smirk lightens the actual sentence.

 “Ha ha, Yes I’ve got a job,” he crosses his arms defensively, “It’s not like I could go around being a vigilante again and steal from bad guys.”

 “Ortega still trying to talk you into it?” you ask with a frustrated sigh. You wish Ortega would just drop it, it’s best that Kiyo isn’t in the line of fire. Kiyo responds with a wince and a nod of his head. You both sigh, moving to sit down on a nearby bench.

 “I think he’s got Herald in on it too,” he groans as he leans back and watches Spoon run around, “I don’t think he gets that I want nothing to do with it. What happened with Heartbreak…” he swallows reflectively hands gripping tightly to his knees.

  “You don’t have to talk about it with me if you don’t want too,” you murmur softly and he responds by shaking his head.

  “Something broke Chen,” he forces the words out, his body shaking, “and it feels like Ortega thinks he can just recrack everything and glue it all back together the _‘right_ ’ way but… it feels more like I’m going to lose what’s holding me together now.”

 You set your hand gently on his shoulder and he leans into it, “What do you want me to do?”

  He sighs in response, “I don’t know, I just… I honestly don’t know how to handle any of this. I don’t even know if seeing my therapist is helping or making things worse.” He can’t meet your eyes, “Chen… If I do something stupid… will you stop me,” he says it desperately, looking you in the eyes to try and make you understand.

 “I will,” you don’t hesitate as memories of him jumping out of the window play in your mind. _The sound of shattering of glass_. Whatever happens, you’ll stop him and you will help him in whatever way you can.

 He lets out a breath, sagging in relief, “I’ll hold you to that.”

“…What do you mean you stole from bad guys?”

 “Oh look! I think Spoon wants attention. Bye!”

 “Kiyo!”

…..

**Steel Present:**

  You hadn’t expected this to be what he meant by something stupid but it fits well enough that you can freely choose to kick his ass to stop him from endangering himself. **_Heartbreak_** … Of course, it’s him. The name had never dawned on you until now. A part your lives that refuses to let go… that refuses to let _him_ go.

 You bring up your hand just in time to block the hit aimed for your head. You’re being overwhelmed but the main issue is this person. A skull mask accented with carved wilting flowers stares back at you before a haunting chuckle rips from their throat.

 “You’re not the fly I was trying to draw in but I’ll enjoy taking you apart all the same,” they push off you into a backflip and as they land the floor cracks beneath them. “Boys take 5. This one’s mine,” they stand to full height slightly towering over you as they flick their wrist to produce a blade from their gauntlet.

 You brace yourself, they look like they’re built for speed and from the taste they’ve given you they’re incredibly strong as well. You’re going to have to play defense until they give you an opening. They swing forward just as the others around you back off. Your arms come up to parry their blade, aiming a punch towards their stomach that they avoid by jumping and landing on your arm. Their foot kicks off you face letting them jump back slightly before rushing back with the intent to stab you.

 You shake off your daze in time to move to the side and land a blow against their back. They laugh in response completely unaffected before trying to swing a kick towards your head. You grab their leg and they twist in your hand jumping to allow their other leg to kick you square in the jaw. You let go, wincing back as they drop to the floor.

  “Such a shame to ruin a pretty mind but I do prefer my men dazed and drooling,” they chuckle as they roll to their feet.

  “You’re not my type,” you comment raising your fists, defense isn’t getting you anywhere you’ll need to try to take them down by force.

  “Oh yes I forgot, you prefer morons with pretty smiles,” they laugh as they easily dodge your attack. _How do they know that?_

 They twist around you, moving like water before they stop just behind you. Close enough for you to hear their whispers, “You think far louder than you know.” They dodge as you swing back, a chuckle escaping them. “You know you’re so much funnier to play with than I was led to believe. It’s really too bad you-”

 A small missile misses you by inches, hitting them head on, the explosion from it tossing them through the nearby wall. You turn to find Heartbreak dropping a missile launcher in time to block an attack from one of the goons who had been watching your fight.

  “Did you really just shoot a fucking missile launcher in a building!” you rush forward fist planting itself into a goon’s face who had been trying to sneak attack him.

 “Not that kind of missile launcher,” comes his distorted reply as he throws someone over his shoulder.

  “You literally just blew someone into the next room,” you growl out blocking a crowbar aimed at you, twisting it so you can use it against your attacker.

 “Exactly, if it had been the kind you’re thinking of do you really think this part of the building would still be here?” he grunts as he dodges an attack and you find each other back to back. “She’s not down,” his voice comes out panicked you find yourself being grabbed and swung around as he switches places with you.

 A loud crack and you turn to see his faceplate break around the skull mask’s fist. He pushes off away from them backing into you, “Pay attention!” he screams and you twist back in time to grab a person’s modded fist aimed at you. You feel him as he pushes off you and you can hear him fighting them, grunting in exhaustion. _How many people has he fought to get to you?_

 You barely have time to pay attention to him as you take on the other opponents in the room. Is he winning? It doesn’t sound like it. He screams out in pain and you punch the last goon in time to turn around to find a long blade sticking out through his side and the skull face person splattered with blood as they yank the blade out. **_No._** He falls to his knees hands covering his wound. They raise their bloodied blade intent on finishing him.

 You don’t remember moving but you find yourself tackling them to the ground. They let out a frustrated scream that’s cut short as you slam their head several times into the floor. You only stop when they lie limp beneath you and your own breathing has become harsh and uneven.

 “Steel…” his voice comes out weak, halfway garbled by a broken voice distorter. You turn to find his grey eyes hazed over looking at you but not seeing you, blood spilling through his hands.

  “Kiyo.”


	5. A Risk Worth Taking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: going a bit into Kiyo's Suicidal thoughts in this one!!!

**Kiyo Present:**

  You can’t feel anything else but her. A mind so familiar but so twisted and strange you can’t accurately recognize it, she’s angry and she’s… “She’s not down!” You turn to grab Chen pulling him out of the way and she barely has time to switch from her blade to her fist as it cracks into your helmet, pieces of it lodging into your face. Fuck! You push off of her, your back hitting Chen’s and suddenly the dampers are off and you don’t have time to throw up your shields. _You can feel every one_. Chen’s focus on you, _worry he’s worried_ ; **_Crush him into pieces,_** Fucking fuck, “Pay attention!” you scream at him, at you who needs to focus on the woman attacking you.

  ** _Take them down; Kill these fuckers;_**

**_She’s going to eat us; Where is the danger;_ **

_I̶̧̩͓͈̙̠͖̰̺̰͂̓̍͂̅̋̾͆͆̑̀̌t̸̨͊͒̔͂͒͛̉͗̇̎̆̾'̵̫̯͓͕̙̯̩͕͇̫̈́̅͛͗͊̿͗̇̽͝s̵̞̠̤̙̮̙̲̺̿̐̃̈́̆̄͆̇͊ͅ ̵̨̤̿̋͋͑̅̃̋̔̕͝͠͝o̴̧̗͓̓͂̓̋̔̉̎̐̈́̄͝v̷̗̣̩̝̱̜̭̗̭̘̮̓̇̎̔̉̍͊̓̂͆̐̕̚ḙ̴̡̩͉̘̤̥̯̊ͅȑ̸̮̮͙̪̤̗͔̤̈̋͑̈́͆̀̐̀̏͝w̶̗͕͕͉̗̣̰͒́͋͐̈́̍̓͋̎͝͠h̷̡̨͔͉̭̓͆͛͌̏͐͒́̓̕͘̚ẽ̴͓̤̲̯̠̇̐͂̅l̶̛͈̙͇̤̜̥̥͕͐̈̈́͛̊̋m̶̢̨͚̖̖͕̖̹̤̩͚͓̖͐̾̃̄̓͑̏̾͂͒̀͘͝i̸̙̣̇͌̌̉̅͐͛͝n̶̲̦̔̀͋̓̌̒͋́̇̚͝g̸̢̨̺͕̮̺̮͈̞̒̿̀̀̚_

**_Who’s still alive; Is anyone dead;_ **

**_Isn’t this fun Ares?_ **

 You stumble as you block her attack, everything is too much and she’s making it worse. Leaving you raw without shields to defend against the onslaught of everyone’s thoughts in the building. Blood runs into your eyes and you don’t think you can keep up with her attacks. She’s vicious tearing you apart.

  ** _You deserve to die; You deserve to suffer;_**

**_Where are these people coming from; Someone kill this bitch;_ **

_I̵̛͖͚̫͙̺̻̻͈̣͚̓̈́̏̆̕͠t̴̛̬̹̃̒̽́̀'̴̛͈̤͙̭̰̳̖͓̯̹̗̝̏͊̄͂̒̈̅̃͂s̸̛̥̭͓͓̯̤͍̓̇̓̐̉̎̊̐͘͠ͅ ̶̢̦̻͓͚͖̼̠̰͚̹̻͈͑̊́͋͌c̷̼̟̤͎͔̉̅̿͊o̶͖̩̺̣͂͗̔̇̾n̶̖̱͔͇̝͎̦͙̼̘̝̅͊̔̓̊̃͒̓̃̇̅̇̚s̶͎̖͕͕̒͐́̆̀͑͆̃ū̸̧͎̫͙͉͛̽̓́̄͝m̶̗̠͕͎̳̩͚̝̉̊̈́̓̅i̷͔̗̳͈̎̎͂͑̑̈́ņ̴̢̨̱̹̝̤͕̜̖͒̑͑g̶͉̭̟̻̈́͆̄̎̽̂̏̎͊_

**_Where is Hollow Ground; Where is that freak;_ **

**_There is no escape._ **

  Her intentions change with each blow; She wants you to die. She wants to be the one to end you but first she’s going to kill him and everyone you care about. You’re both too close to Chen; you can feel her intentions changing again. You need to stop her.  You grab her blade reaiming it towards yourself. You can’t stop the scream that rips from your throat, every inch of you feels on fire as the blade slices through your armor like butter and into your stomach.

  ** _Fool_**

_Everything else goes quite, It’s only you and her left_

  She pulls her blade back, you barely notice as blood splatters against her mask. _A skull crying tears of blood_ A reaper finally come to kill you for surviving that fall. **_You should have died_**. Your hands come up to cover the wound but you know it’s too late to stop the blood, you feel your life seeping out through your hands. **_They shouldn’t have kept you alive_**. Your knees buckle and you find yourself looking up at her as she raises her blade, it shines red with your blood. **_They should have just used you for scraps_**. And then she’s gone. Your eyes can barely focus but you hear her hit the floor and her angry screams. You can hear fighting… you can hear Chen…Steel…

 “Steel…” it feels so hard to talk, to focus on the words you want to say.

 “Kiyo,” his voice comes out rushed and panicked. You can barely tell that he’s moved to your side but he’s suddenly there, a pressure against your shoulder. _He knows_ , he knows it’s you behind the mask. A small broken laugh escapes. This is what you wanted… isn’t it? To be found out… To be stopped. _To die_ , “We need to get you to a hospital.”

 That’s enough to snap you back into focus, “No.” you try to look at him but your world suddenly tilts, his hands are the only thing keeping you upright. “…Chen I’d rather die,” your voice comes out broken as you reach a hand up to grip a piece of his armor, “Chen please, if your plan is to send me to a hospital **please** just let me die.” You think you can feel his grip tighten on your armor but you know that’s not possible.

  “Kiyo, I’m not going to sit here and watch you die,” his voice sounds strong and sure. You barely hear the broken crack in his voice as he lifts you up. _You don’t remember him being this strong_ ….

  “Please, Chen…” you think your sobbing as fear floods through you, “Please!”

  “Kiyo…” he looks as you as broken as you fell. You can’t go back, you can’t let _them_ know where you are. _They’ll_ make you regret not just dying. _They’ll_ make you suffer in ways he can’t even imagine. He’s going to send you to a fate worse than death because he thinks it’s the right thing to do. He can’t let you die when he thinks he can save you.

“There’s another option. Someone I trust…” everything feels like it’s underwater but you know you need to stay conscious. You need to at least give him another option, so that if you do wake up again maybe it will be somewhere safe, “He can help me…” you murmur, it’s becoming harder to stay awake.

Chen lets out an uncertain noise, he doesn’t know how to proceed, “Fine, how do I get to him?”

A voice buzzes in your ear, “The left wall leads to the street. Kiyo you need to stay conscious enough for you to guide him to the car.”

 “Left wall,” you blink hard, trying to focus.

 “Left wall?” confession in his voice, _he doesn’t get it_.

 “Use the missile launcher that’s not a missile launcher,” you point  to where you think you dropped it but when your eyes refocus you realize you’re pointing at nothing, “Fuck.”

 “Kiyo-”

 “The left wall leads out,” you slur, it’s getting harder to think, “Car, there’s a car…” your head is nodding off against him your voice growing quiet, “no hospital…”

…

******Steel Present:**

    You can feel the panic building as he loses consciousness in your arms. “Kiyo!” he needs to wake up he needs…Goddamnit. You set him down on the floor, so you can backtrack and grab the missile launcher. It has no ammo how can you…it doesn’t need ammo? No, it’s making its own ammo. “Why were you going for this?” you mutter to yourself. This had to be what he was after, right? _Or was it an excuse to save Ortega?_

 “You’re really going to save the person whose goal is to ruin you and the rangers?” a broken hollow laugh from behind you. They’re struggling to sit up, coughs rattling their form. “You’re just like that other idiot.” You find yourself glaring at them, teeth grinding in anger.

 “You’re wrong,” your confidence fills each step that brings you closer to them, “Because if that had been his goal he wouldn’t be going back into his bad habit of just stealing shit.” You stop in front of them, “He wouldn’t have continued to see us after Ortega dragged him back and he sure as fuck would have let you kill all of us if that was the case. But instead, he’s here bleeding out because of you.” You don’t bother holding back your strength as you plant a kick into their face knocking them unconscious again.

 You turn back to the wall and take aim the explosion blows out the wall leaving nothing else around it damaged. You’re about to toss it to the side but you think twice about it. There was a reason he went after it. Maybe not a reason you would approve of but a reason nonetheless. You keep it in your left hand as you pick Kiyo’s broken body off the floor. You should just get him to a hospital, you should… _please just let me die_. His broken sobs, his pleading… He has a secret that he’d rather die from and it shouldn’t be a surprise to you, he’s always denied medical help. He’s always lived on that edge of not taking help when it was offered. And here you are holding him tight and wondering if what you’re about to do is the right decision.

 “Herald I just blew out the wall on the side of the building I need a pickup now!” Will he try to kill himself if you hand him over to a hospital? What does he fear so badly that death is the only option? You can make guesses but only he could confirm them.

 Herald is there in only a few breathes hovering looking at you worriedly, “What happened?” You shake your head now isn’t the time for explanations.

 “Get us down onto the street,” you hope you’re making the right choice. Herald looks at you and then to the form in your hands.

 “Steel…shouldn’t we get them to a hospital?” he nervously eyes the blood dripping to the floor.

 “Herald get us down to the street now,” you voice sounds stern. You already know this is going to lead to several arguments mostly with Ortega but you’re sure the others will all have something to complain about after this. Herald grabs hold and you immediately signal Argent to retreat.

 “Fucking finally! Is the moron safe?” she growls over the comms.

 “Ortega is getting treated by a medical team, it doesn’t look like there was anything life threatening but he going to have to go into surgery,” Herald reports as he gently sets you down. Good at least that leaves you with only one problem to worry about. “Steel…”

 “Go pull argent out,” you command. He reluctantly nods and flies off to follow your orders. A car door opens a person fully masked stepping out.

 “Put him in,” an accent you can’t recognize. You glare at them but they don’t bother with taking stock of you. They walk up looking over Kiyo before placing a hand shrouded in a cloud of grey over where the blood is flowing and suddenly the blood stops. “I need to get him into surgery if you want him to live.”

 You grit your teeth and reluctantly help place him into the backseat. “If he doesn’t-”

 “Make your empty threats to someone else,” they comment getting back into the driver’s seat, “Leave the weapon too.”

 “No-”

 “It could mean the difference between life and death for him,” They turn in the seat looking back at you, “It has a part that could save his life.” You drop the missile launcher reluctantly next to Kiyo. You don’t trust this situation but you’ve run out of normal options, “Thank you for your service and all that,” they wave as you close the door and take off driving into the distance.

…

**Ortega 42 hours later:**

 “What do you mean you don’t know where he is!” You wince as you try to sit up but find you don’t have the strength for it. You’re pissed and Wei fucking Chen is to blame, “Wei I fucking trusted you!”

 He glares at you before saying in a hushed voice, “If we had taken him to a hospital he would have killed himself, Ortega.” Your heart drops because everything he’s telling you is true. You know it is and that makes you even angrier. The fact that you let all this happen. That Kiyo could be dead again because of your own stupidity.

 “Fuck,” you close your eyes back hitting the hospital bed. You should be up and looking for him. You should-

 “Ortega… “ Wei sighs softly before setting in the nearby chair, “I’m sorry.” you can’t look at him, you would love if you could just shift the blame all to him but he wasn’t the idiot that got into that car of his own free will. He’s not the idiot that was tortured hours on end. _A woman whispering lies into his ear_.

  You lick your dry lips and try to take a calming breath, “Is there any way to find him?”

 “Not really,” your eyes open and you’re sitting up just as fast as Chen swings his body around so that you both can look at the owner of that voice. At Kiyo who has bandaids all over his face and his face pale enough that he looks like he’s about to drop; Kiyo who is standing in the doorway of your hospital room looking like this is the worst decision he’s ever made.


	6. Who can afford to hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: mentions of self-harm, self-destruction, and these next chapters are going heavily into Kiyo’s depression and suicidal tendencies!!!

**Kiyo Present:**

  Mortum was right, this was possibly the stupidest decision you’ve ever made. He’d tried to talk you out of it too but you knew eventually they’d find you. And knowing Ortega it would end up being him that found you sooner rather than later. You at least wanted a say in whether that time would be as your villain persona or as you… Fuck this was a terrible idea, you should listen to Mortum more often. At least then maybe you’d be somewhere else… far far away from the bullshit you’re about to face.

  _But really when have you ever given up the option of self-destruction._ This is just another way to hurt yourself. Force you to see that they would give up on you. _Just like they did before._

 You shift awkwardly as they stare at you, trying to hide your wince. The nanovores couldn’t perfectly be made to do what they were originally created for but they did help repair any life threatening damage that Mortum couldn’t stitch up. A backup plan of several other backup plans; keep them within a controlled field to repair small areas of damage rather than destroy. You had Mortum reset the nanovores just in case; neither of you wanted to risk them going haywire because even that small of an amount can do too much damage. At least you got the 3d printer from the missile launcher that should help with your other project… even if you don’t get to see the result.

  “Kiyo…” Ortega’s voice is almost a whisper as he studies you with watery eyes. You’re a ghost of a ghost you suppose. Chen’s expression hasn’t changed, harsh and shuttered as soon as he saw you. Fucking hell why didn’t you listen to Mortum?

 “Yep,” you have no clue what to say. You have no clue what you’re doing anymore. You could run, there was no point where anyone said you had to stay. You just came to tell them you’re alive and this is a hospital, who would make a scene in a hospital?… Ortega would…Fuck… at least he’s trapped in the bed and it would take enough seconds for Chen to get out of his chair that you could get a head start.

 “Sit,” Chen’s voice is cold and you find yourself entering the room despite every inch of your being telling you to run. You find yourself sitting in a chair against the wall. A safe enough distance away from them and the inevitable hate and disgust they’re sure to throw your way; away from the looks of betrayal, they’re sure to have. You deserve it, after all, everything you’ve been doing is for yourself. _Such a selfish thought for the puppet to want to be a real boy._ God, you fucking hate that movie.

 “Why are you here?” Chen demands, silencing Ortega’s immediate protests with a wave of his hand. His thoughts are simmering; angry, feeling betrayed, feeling he didn’t do enough to help you… _help you?_ Why would he ever want to do that? _But he did_ , he could have left you or worse it could be you in the hospital bed completely drugged and waiting for the Farm to pick up their lost ‘property’.

 “I honestly don’t know,” you shrug refusing to meet his eyes. _You want them to end your illusions that they care about you_. To give you a reason to go back to your original plans of taking down the farm at any cost. You want them to know the truth and look at you with absolute disgust so that there’s no more regret when you set the world on fire around you. ~~_You want them to prove you wrong_~~. But you can’t show them the truth here.

 You may be willing to risk some things but not in this place. It’s already bringing you back to bad memories. _Needles in your arm, a hand against your face, a smile you don’t want to see._ You swallow hard against the rising fear.

 “Kiyo-”

  You cut off Ortega with a shake of your head, “Not here.”

  “Where then?” Steel crosses his arms and despite the glare, it feels like an honest question.

  “Anywhere that’s not here,” you glance to the doorway as a nurse walks by, “or anywhere with no other people.”

  “Steel’s place then,” Ortega smirks as Chen swings his glare onto him, “What? My place probably isn’t the safest right now considering the circumstances,” he shrugs with a smug look. _What is he up too?_ Your thoughts echo Chen’s and you find yourself involuntarily wincing back.

  Chen sighs as his hand pinches the bridge of his nose, “Fine we’ll all go-”

  “Nope, you both are going right now,” his arms crossed giving you both a stern look.

  “ **No**! Are you fucking stupid?!”

  “ **No**. Ortega we just saved you from a kidnapping!”

   You and Chen yell out simultaneously, looking at him in disbelief. _This fucking idiot is worse than you isn’t he?_ The thought hits you stronger than you expected. Ortega’s actions all point to a similar self-destructive streak, putting himself intentionally into danger when he doesn’t need too… that’s… no..No, that’s not possible, he’s just a reckless idiot. That’s all.

  Ortega holds up his hands in surrender, “Alright, first of all, I didn’t say alone. I’m sure Angie’s dying to make me suffer,” his wince comes off playful with his bright smile, but then he’s looking straight at you, a deep frown forming on his face, “They weren’t really after me.”

  Chen’s head turns back to you and you find yourself looking out the nearby window away from them. You had expected more yelling but maybe they’re both waiting to get you alone. _You should just jump_. You shake your head and look back at Ortega, “I guess _he_ wasn’t very happy with my meddling,” you shrug. Hollow Ground must still be pissed at you crashing his auction and making a mess of it or maybe it’s the fact that you’ve ‘ _unintentionally_ ’ stolen from some of his people. But that doesn’t explain why _she_ was there.

  Chen let’s out a loud sigh as he stands, “Fine. But no one’s leaving until either Argent or Herald are in here.” You watch as he walks out, stress coming off him in waves. He doesn’t want to deal with this right now, he doesn’t want to deal with either of you right now. He leaves the room and you find yourself staring out the window. Soft murmerings down the hall, monitors beeping quietly; _all noises that tug at things better left forgotten_.

  “I’m not mad,” Ortega’s voice cuts through the silence but you refuse to look at him. You don’t know if he’s lying but considering it’s Ortega you may as well accept it as the truth.

  “I’d say I’m surprised but you’re an idiot so it’s not that much of a shock,” you lean back, your gaze shifting to the floor.

“Kiyo, listen I don’t know why you thought this… _path_ was necessary but-”

  “Don’t, please just… don’t,” you finally look at him and he looks so tired. He wants so badly to know the truth but you don’t know if he can handle it. Your entire life is based on lies; you’re not human you could never be ~~ _no matter the lies you tried to tell yourself_~~ , your entire existence feels like a gigantic mistake ~~_you’ve never felt right in this body_~~ , and you’re the Villain that has only brought him and his _your_ friends pain. You should leave, ~~_but you won’t_~~.

  He holds out his hand towards you, a desperate look on his face. He wants so badly to rescue you from yourself… from anyone who wants to hurt you. _~~He’ll be the first to throw you away when he knows the truth~~._ Fuck, you want to dig your nails into arms. Cause a pain that’s easier to control, than the suffering you feel as Ortega looks at you pleadingly.

 You reluctantly stand and take Chen’s empty seat, your hand reaching for his. A calloused warm hand wrapped around yours his thumb rubbing circles on the back of your hand. _Every part of you shatters._

 You let out a sob, tears flowing uncontrollably down your face. “I’m sorry,” you hiccup and you find yourself lunging forward embracing him. _Ignoring the pain from your stitches_. His arms holding you like he’s afraid you’ll disappear again. You can’t stop crying, you can’t stop apologizing. This is all your fault, he could have died because of your stupidity. You should have taken something like this into account. _You should have just killed yourself_.

  His arms grip you tighter and suddenly he’s fighting not to cry with you. His head is next to yours as he whispers brokenly, “No no no, don’t.. don’t say that please Kiyo. I couldn’t live with myself if you did that to yourself.”

  “I shouldn’t be alive,” you can’t keep track of what you’re saying. All you know is that you’re holding him like he’s the only lifeline you’ve ever had. ~~_He is_~~.

  “Kiyo,” he pushes you back slightly a hand coming up to cup your face. He looks as broken as you feel. “I love you,” he says it desperately as he brings your face down so he can kiss your tears. He tries to hold back his own sob but he can’t.

  You don’t know how to react to that, your brain blanking. He shouldn’t be, he really shouldn’t be. ~~_He won’t when he knows the truth_~~. You should push off of him and run. You **need** to do that… but you’re selfish _aren’t you_. You can’t help but cling onto impossibilities no matter how much it will hurt. Because that’s the point of all this in the end. A way to finally sever the ties holding you back.


	7. Drive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: mentions of self-harm, self-destruction, and these next chapters are going heavily into Kiyo’s depression and suicidal tendencies!!!  
> Tw: mentions of sexual abuse

**Kiyo present:**

  The ride to Chen’s place is quiet and tense and you find yourself sinking into the seat of the car, wanting to disappear. Everything still feels so overwhelming, tears prickle at your eyes and you superstitiously wipe them away, you have no plans to cry here in front of him. Not like you did with Ortega… you shake your head. You’re grounded now, more in control. _Keep the thoughts away_.

  “Why did you come back?” Chen is staring resolutely ahead, keeping an eye on the traffic. His grip tightens on the wheel. _How easy it would be to reach over and_ \- **Don’t.** Not here, not now.

  “Why did you help me?” you fire back at him. If this was going to end up being an interrogation you may as well use it to get answers for yourself too. Your need to know why has left a burning hole in you since you woke up. You don’t understand why he would go against everything he believes in for…you.

  You can see him turn his head slightly to glower at you. **_Frustration, anger, a need to know the truth._** You almost laugh, something you both crave but you don’t think he can handle the truth. That everything he believes in isn’t the easily labeled black and white he’s been taught to believe. Maybe he’ll just throw your entire situation into the black category when he learns the truth. _When he realizes you’re just an escaped government toy._

 “That’s why I came back,” you comment looking out the window droplets of rain running down it. _Blurring the lines of the world_. “I don’t understand why you saved me.”

 He snorts in response, “You’re telling me you didn’t come back to check on Ortega?”

 “I already knew he was alright,” you can see his faint reflection in the window. Brow furrowed as his mind’s gears start to work. You murmur almost to yourself, “He would have been better off if I had just disappeared.”

 “No, he wouldn’t have,” Chen’s voice is sharp his reflection self’s jaw tightening, “He would have beaten himself up, not knowing if you were dead or alive, knowing whatever the outcome that he was going to blame himself and he would have done the same damn thing he did before until he finally self-destructed or pissed off the wrong person.”

 You can’t bring yourself to comment. Of course, Ortega would do that. It should have been something you expected but you’re always too blind to what others do to themselves. _Still so fucking selfish_.

  “Kiyo, why did you come back?” he repeats the question acting like there should be another answer, a better answer. How do you tell someone that there are so many varying reasons you’re not sure which is the true one. That you came back to be punished, _to be killed_ , to be forgiven, _to be saved_ , to see with your own eyes that Ortega was alright, _to make sure Chen was too._

  “I already told you why,” you turn to stare at him directly, “You haven’t answered my question.”

 “I figured the answer was obvious,” he shrugs, he acts like you’re supposed to know everything going on in his head. Sad news for both of you that you have no fucking clue how his mind works. You wish you did, you wish that he hadn’t made your existence more complicated like Ortega did. You’re not supposed to like two people like… _that_ , let alone one person. You’re not supposed to want to live for these two idiots.

  “It’s really not,” your laugh sound hollow even to your own ears.

  “I care about you Kiyo,” he says it gently like he really believes it. Maybe he does… he shouldn’t.

  “I see you’ve been taking lessons from Ricardo on bad decisions,” _twist the words make him hate you so it’s easier to fall off the ledge._

“Kiyo…” he glances at you, face scrunched in contemplation, “Do you realize that caring about someone can be more than a decision?”

 “What?” you look at him confused, “It _is_ a decision… right?” You have to decide if you like someone… That has to be how it works, that’s how it should work… but then why do you like Ortega and Chen more than you should? _Why do you care about them? ~~Why do you want to… them to care about you?~~_ You scrunch your face in disgust, you should not be having thoughts like that anymore. You’re here to ruin everything ~~_you’re not_~~ , not explore whatever that is.

  The car pulls to a stop and you look up at him to find him having some kind of dawning realization. “Kiyo, what exactly made you decide to date Ortega?”

  “We’re not dating!” you sputter out only to be meet with narrowed eyes, “We haven’t talked about it,” you cross your arms defensively looking away, “…I haven’t wanted to talk about it…”

  “I’m assuming this has something to do with why you didn’t want to go to the hospital,” his fingers Tap against the wheel. Finally heading towards the question he wants to ask, but he has to wait. You need him to wait, _let the illusion that they won’t throw you back to the wolves last a bit longer._

  “There's… a few reasons…” he’s going to see the whole truth soon, hopefully with Ortega but you may as well give him a small truth. Set the stage so he already feels disgusted, like _they_ did. _Broken and needs to be fixed_. You just barely hold back the shudder, “I can’t give him what he wants.”

  He’s looking at you confused, “What exactly do you mea-”

  “Sex,” your mouth goes dry, you don’t like talking about this, “I don’t want to have sex with him or anyone else.”

  “…Do you think Ortega would try to force you? Is that what you’re worried about?” he’s looking at you with concern, his mind immediately projecting worry for… you??

 “What?” you look at him confused. You don’t get him or Ortega, why do they never have the reactions you’ve come to fear? _Reactions_ _like so many others have given you. Reactions like **they** had._ You shake your head as you fully process his words, “No! That’s not what I meant! and… you’re taking this too well…” your breathing is becoming panicked, hand coming up to your temple. You can’t tell if it’s worse or better that he’s not acting like you had anticipated. This is off script, nothing here you can predict or prepare for.

   He’s looking increasingly concerned at you like you’re not the villain who beat up him and the Rangers. Like you’re someone he cares about. ~~_He already said that he cared about you idiot._~~ “Taking it too well?…Kiyo, did someone-”

   “I don’t want to talk about this!” you shouldn’t have brought this up. _You can’t breathe_. This was such a bad idea, your entire existence is based on lies and unspoken truths. You’ve shown the light on one and all the others are going to light up in succession because of that. _Isn’t that what you wanted?_

No… you wanted them to fight you over your villain self, you want them to see your tattoos and look at you in disgust so that nothing will ever hold you back again. You want them to hate you. You’re not here to dig into unneeded memories, into thoughts better left unspoken. You should have learned when _they_ hurt you for speaking up but you never do. _Causing yourself pain is something you always do_.

  “Alright, we don’t have to talk about this,” he says it matter of factly, end of discussion. No more memories dragged up. It lets you catch your breath, not fully calm yet but enough. “Do you need a minute?”

 You shake your head opening the car door. “Let’s just go,” you exit the frying pan and walk into the fryer behind him.

….

**Steel present:**

  You let him into your guest room, finding yourself at a loss for words. As you had led the way to your apartment it had felt more like leading someone to their execution. His mask gone, it had started crumbling at the hospital and now there was nothing left to hide the tiredness, the fear, the resignation. You don’t know what he’s thinking but you know for sure he expects you to hurt him… he expects Ortega to hurt him.

  You don’t know what he’s gone through, you don’t know what has led him to take up the name Heartbreak and you’re afraid to ask. To let the lines blur more than they already have. More than they already are… from the conversation in the car you can make a few guesses about what’s happened to him. How it fits into what you found. Your jaw tightens in anger, and Kiyo flinches as he walks past.

  You immediately relax, you’re not angry at him you’re angry at the people who have hurt him, “Feel free to use the bed and shower.” you cross your arms leaning against the doorframe.

  He looks at you, eyes still red and he puffs out a short laugh, “Just don’t lock the door, right?”

  “Just don’t lock the door,” you confirm. You don’t think he’ll run but you remember what he had said at the hospital. You were outside the door when he told Ortega he wanted to die. _Just like when he was in your arms begging you to let him die._

  He rolls his eyes at you before turning around, “If I was going to kill myself I would have already done it.” He sits on the bed refusing to look at you.

 “Really?” you ask with disbelief, “Because it feels like you’ve made up your mind that all this is going to lead to you dying.”

 He shrugs, fingers gripping into the side of the bed, “Can you get out?”

 You watch him a moment, you don’t want to leave him alone but you also know better than to push, “Yeah.” You move off the doorframe shutting the door behind you. Pretending you can’t hear the quiet sob from behind it.

 Spoon lays at the end of the hallway, tail wagging as he watches you. You walk over, bending down to scratch his head. “Keep an ear out alright?” you murmur to him as he licks your hand. As you stand, he jumps up heading towards the guest room door before planting himself in front of it. You chuckle shaking your head, too smart for his own good.

 And now you’re left with time… time to think about things you don’t want to. You should have turned him in. He’s a criminal who has stolen millions, maybe more. You immediately shy away from that thought, you can’t bring yourself to do that. You sigh, hand running down your face, _you need a drink_.

….

**Kiyo present:**

  _The darkness swallows you, surrounding you to make sure you can’t escape again. **You don’t want to remember.** A hand against your face, a smile that makes you feel sick._ _Fingers against your skin._

 You scream, tearing yourself from the sheets of the bed. You don’t know where you are,  all you know is you need to peel your skin away. You stumble out of the bed, wincing as you pull the stitches in your stomach. You ignore it, pushing forward into the small bathroom. You turn the shower on as hot as possible, your hands tremble barely letting you tear away your jacket and shirt, leaving you with just your binder and pants on. You need to scrub away the memory, you need to forget.

 The spray of the water burns into your skin, peeling away the ghosts you thought you’d banished. It’s been years and now everything was coming back. The glue that’s been holding you together finally cracking and you feel yourself shattering as a result. _Unfixable_.

  You hear a low whine next to you, a voice calling your name but you can’t bring yourself to focus on that as the past grips your thoughts.

   _‘No one’s coming to save you. You really think they would care about you? Not like me. Never like me.’_

You want to throw up, you want to peel away your skin and be free of your memories and the markings that Inexplicably bind you back to them. Your nails dig into your skin, water hitting you and dulling away your pain. You breathe in, steadying yourself, a calm voice still talking, you breathe out. Breathing in time to some invisible force as the voice murmurs soft calming words.

 You finally look up to find him sitting next to the shower, _not looking at you_ , staring at the wall with Spoon in his lap. “-of course he decided to chase the squirrel anyway.”

 “What?” you ask groggily. Confusion seeping into you. Why is he here? _He can see the truth._ Your blood runs cold.

 “Breath Kiyo,” he’s still not looking at you but you know he knows. _He knows he knows he knows._ “Kiyo,” he sighs looking directly at your eyes. _Not at the tattoos. Not at the binder. Not at the truth._ “Do you want me to leave the room?” He doesn’t want to, he doesn’t want to leave you alone to hurt by yourself. But he already feels like he’s pushing into your space unwanted. His mind still wrapping around what you are, that he was…right?

 “Don’t,” you don’t want to be left alone. He’s not going to talk about what you’ve been hiding. Not yet at least. “What were you talking about?” your voice comes out rough and ragged.

 “One of Spoon’s adventures,” he looks back at the wall and you feel yourself breathe in relief.

  “Can you retell it?” you feel small as you ask it like you’re made of glass.

  “”Yeah, when I first got him-” You close your eyes, wrestling you head against your knees. Letting his words wash over you, erasing the ghosts that still lingered.


	8. Truth Freely Given

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: mentions of self-harm, self-destruction, and these next chapters are going heavily into Kiyo’s depression and suicidal tendencies!!!  
> Tw: mentions of abuse

**Kiyo Present:**

 You sit at the table, a cup of hot chocolate between your hands and wearing clothes that are too big for you. This whole situation has been turned on your head and you feel like you’re in a daze. An air of calm tiredness surrounds you, like a bubble ready to pop at any moment. Chen sets his cup down as he takes the seat across from you, quiet… waiting for you to start. That’s all he’s been doing since he helped you out of the shower. Waiting patiently for what’s to come, for what you have to say.

 “Just ask,” your hands tighten around your cup, soaking in its warmth. You don’t know what to say. You didn’t think there would be any ‘talking’. Just yelling, all of you feeling betrayed in some way or another.

 “You’re a Regen,” he confirms taking a sip from his cup. You respond with a short hysterical laugh.

  “I’m a Regen or if you want to get more specific a Cuckoo,” you take a sip from your own cup, hand trembling, “Made for infiltration.”

 His thoughts immediately shift to when you first appeared, to when you first met Ortega, “Is that why-”

 “No,” you interrupt him with a shake of your head, “That was my first escape technically…”

 “Technically?” he frowns at you.

 “The escape wasn’t really planned. Our mission went to hell and with my handler and the target dead, I didn’t really know what to do. I tried to contact the Farm- ‘Special Directive’ but all our shit was caught in the explosion including the communication gear. So, I just left and tried to survive on my own.” You shrug and let out a soft laugh, “Didn’t realize I was going to discover a lot of things about myself or make friends or have whatever the fuck Ortega is in my life.”

   He hesitates, his mind going over what he knows and what he thought he knew, “I found your connection to the special directive but I didn’t know exactly what you were to them. I thought at first that you were an agent sent by them but as I looked more into things, well, I didn’t find a clear answer. I did find someone who wasn’t too happy about what I’d learned and I had to stop looking because they started threatening to put people I care about in danger.”

 Your attention is immediately focused on him, “Ortega.”

 He nods his head sadly, “I didn’t know if you were even still alive but I knew he was. I knew my team was.” He looks away guilty like he should have known better. A thought; **_maybe if I hadn’t given up things would be different_**.

  “Don’t,” you shake your head, “There’s nothing to be sorry about. They…” you look away, “they know how to hurt people in order to control them.”

 “Kiyo,” he stops, he wants to ask but he just got you to calm down a few hours ago. He doesn’t want to send you back over the edge.

 You decide for him, “It was worse the second time.” you dry swallow and take a breath before continuing, “They created me, trained me… I didn’t know that what they were doing to me, to the others was wrong. That the constant fear isn’t something that someone should feel.” You’re starting to shake but you close your eyes, taking a moment before continuing, “I didn’t have ignorance as a protection the second time… and they hurt me in ways they hadn’t before. For escaping, for making friends, for not conforming to how they made me, for… for a lot of things.”

 He’s quietly watching you carefully, this isn’t how it should be. There should be more yelling, there should be accusations of how you lied to him. That you made him feel friendship for a _thing_. But there’s no hate, no anger. His mind is solid and you can’t read anything from the surface but a calm acceptance.

  “I kept hoping that one of you would come to save me,” it comes out as a whisper and you finally look back at him, “ _They_ twisted me and warped all that fucking progress I had made, it wasn’t hard for them either. Heartbreak had already broken me for them… I wanted to die but I kept holding onto that one single hope that one day you all would burst through that fucking door to save me… Until one day I realized that _they_ were right. None of you were coming… and I threw all of the emotion from that realization into **hate**. I hated all of you so fucking much,” anger tightens your jaw, “and I used that hate to survive, to plan, and to finally escape.”

 He’s looking at you with uncertainty but you can’t stop now, “I escaped and I realized that it hadn’t been a few months… No, they had me for fucking years and you all had moved on, had new people to care about. That just made the anger worse. I wanted everyone to pay; the farm for hurting me, you and the Rangers for forgetting me, and myself for not just dying,” you take a breath and look down at your cup, “So I went to work, making more plans on how to destroy everyone and that’s all I did for years until one fucking day in that stupid fucking diner.”

 “Ortega.”

 “Ortega,” you agree, shaking your head in exasperation with a small smile, “Always getting in the way and finding me when I don’t want him too.”

 “I’m guessing he’s why you haven’t been on a revenge streak,” he takes another sip of his coffee, eyeing you warily.

  “I guess…He made me want something else… He made me want to live again,” you find yourself staring into Chen’s eyes, “He made me realize that I didn’t hate any of you. I was upset and trying to find someone to blame that wasn’t untouchable.”

  “So the thievery was?” he crosses his arms as he leans back in his chair, no accusation in his tone just an honest question.

  “I wanted a life and in order to have that I needed money and resources for something that could get rid of the tattoos,” you shrug.

  He sighs a hand comes up to his face sliding down it slowly, as if you had just said the stupidest thing in the world, ”Kiyo do you really think that would have stopped the Special Directive from taking you again?”

 You bark out a laugh, “Fuck no. But how do you think people would feel if they found out their government allowed a _hero_ and _‘normal_ _human being’_  to be captured and experimented on?” You raise your eyebrow at him, “What could the Farm say against that? That I was, in fact, a Regen? How would they explain to people that their ai can be almost human? They wouldn’t be able to do shit because if they did then everything they’re doing would come under inspection.”

 “Seems you had this all planned out,” he’s got a contemplative look. His own gears turning to inspect your plan and dissecting it. He thinks you went about this the wrong way but he also clearly sees what’s led you down your path. Desperation doesn’t always allow for the best decision making.

 “I guess,” you look away from him unsure if you’re answering what he’s said to you or if you’re answering his thoughts. There’s one thing you refuse to tell anyone other than Mortum and that’s Eden… and the fact that you hadn’t really slept in over 2 years when you were still using him. Honestly, you’re still barely sleeping but at least you get an hour or two a day now.  “No one was supposed to know about this though, that wasn’t part of the plan… You’re also taking this too well,” you glare at him. This feels too easy like there’s some kind of trap around the corner.

 He lets out a breathless laugh, “I’m really not.” He leans forward across the table towards you, “Everything was supposed to be clear cut, you’re supposed to be the villain I send to jail,” fear courses through you but he shakes his head and leans back, “But you’re also my _friend_ that I care about and I know you wouldn’t be sent to jail.”

 “They’d probably recycle me this time,” you murmur.

  He pauses and looks at you horrified, “What?”

 “Yeah, they’d probably use me for parts to repair other Regens,” You pull back your left pant leg to show your leg, “This isn’t my leg. Some poor soul that didn’t meet their standards or died or pissed someone off.”

  His elbows end up on the table, head in his hand, “Alright, another reason why I shouldn’t turn you in.” He sighs and drops his hands, “How much does Ortega know?”

 “Oh fuck,” you groan falling back against your chair, “I have to go over all this shit with him too.” You don’t think your tired calm will last long enough. You can already feel the creeping panic and realization of exactly what you’ve told Chen.

  He sighs loudly and exasperated, “Does he at least know you’re transgender?”

 “………………………………….No.”

  “Kiyo,” he groans into his hands.

  “How did you know about that by the way?” you eye him carefully. You weren’t sure before but now you can tell. He already knew.

  “Both Sentinel and Anathema took a special interest in you,” he shakes his head a small smile on his lips, “and Sentinel’s awkwardness only ever showed when you or Anathema would ask him questions. He was also incredibly awkward every time you brought up beards around him.”

 “Why would beards give it away,” you ask to yourself and Chen laughs.

  “Also in my experience, like-minded people tend to gather together,” he shrugs. _**Remembering Sentinel, remembering Anathema, remembering you….Remembering Ortega**_ \- _Oh my fucking god._

  “You had a crush on Ortega!” you burst out laughing, it feels a bit hysterical and maybe it is but you can’t stop.

 Chen glares at you, “You-”

 “Oh my god, you have the worst taste!”

 “You are literally dating- or **_whatever it is_** with **him**! How is that I’m the one with bad taste!”

  “I * _giggle*_ already knew * _hahaha*_ my taste was shit!” he glowers at you and it sends you into another fit of laughter. Everything about this situation is terrible and hilarious. Another thought and- oh no. It shuts you up immediately.

  “Chen,” you stare at him and he turns his head away from you in embarrassment, “Oh…Fuck….”

  His hand goes up to rub his temple, “Let’s just forget about this.”

  “Fuck no,” you glare at him crossing your arms, “You know pretty much all my secrets now! If I can’t take it back you fucking can’t either!”

 “Pretty much all?” his eye twitches as he looks back at you.

 Your face hardens, “I’m not going to talk about what they did to me.”

 His eyes soften, “Right.” he looks away again a feeling of awkwardness spreading between the two of you. Spoon looks up at you from where he lays next to you. You’d almost forgotten he was there. You reach down and he happily stands to meet your hand, letting you scratch him behind his ears.

 “If I have to tell Ortega so do you,” you don’t look at him but you feel him startle.

  “Kiyo it’s in the past-”

  “No, it’s not… and neither is what your feeling for me,” shit this is so fucking complicated, “Besides I’m sure he’ll be distracted by my truths to even focus on the fact that you’ve had a crush on him for years.”

 “ **Kiyo** ,” he says your name in a way that demands attention. You look up to him to find him frowning at you in annoyance, “Do you **really** think he’s just going to ignore that?”

  “To be fair I’m counting on it,” you shrug, “because I don’t want him to focus on any of my shit.”

  “You know what fine,” he crosses his arms leaning slightly towards you, “You’re telling him that you don’t want sex though.”

  “Chen-”

  “No debate. He needs to know your boundaries Kiyo and you shouldn’t be forced to do anything you don’t want to do,” he’s decisive about this. Fucking fucker.

  You groan in complaint, “You know he’s probably not going to want to even see me after I tell him so why even-”

  “Kiyo you’re a complete fucking idiot if you think Ortega isn’t going to cry, hug you and then ask to destroy everyone who’s hurt you.”

  “He wouldn’t-”

  “He would.”

   You stare at each other before you give in by looking away, “You don’t know that. I’ve lied to him and all of you. I’ve used you all, sent several of you to the hospital, I’m not even a ‘real boy’ in every sense of the word-”

 “Kiyo you’re a man and you’re human,” he looks like he actually believes it.

 “Regen,” you shrug your shoulders, “but I catch your meaning.”

 He relaxes a bit and rubs his temple, “I’m going to make us something to eat.” He stands pushing away from the table.

 “I can help,” you say jokingly and he gives you a withering glare.

  “Ortega already told me about the cooking incident.”

  “It happened once!”

  “According to Ortega it happened at least five times,” he turns grabbing a pan from the cabinet.

   “Fucking snitch,” you mutter. The panic is gone but maybe it’s because it’s the calm before the storm.


	9. A Moment in Between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This series will have spoilers! And Kiyo has the !!!suicidal scar!!!!  
> Tw: mentions of self-harm, self-destruction, and these next chapters are going heavily into Kiyo’s depression and suicidal tendencies!!! Kiyo also going to go into panic attacks

 “Why do you always call Ricardo by his last name?” it’s a question you don’t expect as you watch Chen move about the kitchen. He glances at you once and you can’t help the embarrassment that creeps into your cheeks.

  “I don’t always-” he gives you a look and you sigh, “Okay fine I mostly do that. It’s weird to call him Ricardo…. I may have forgotten that he had a first name in those first few years…”

 “You forgot?” he chuckles giving you an amused look over his shoulder.

 You find yourself rubbing the back of your neck, “I mean I knew that was his name, he told it to me but everyone always called him Ortega so I kinda just defaulted to that or one of the nicknames I gave him… and then he took me to meet his mother….” you groan in embarrassment as you remember exactly what happened, “At one point Ortega had to go take a phone call… and tía asked me how I was getting along with Ricardo,” your face has found its way into your hands and you’re mumbling into them, “I looked her straight in the eye and said ‘Who the fuck is that?’”

 Chen genuinely laughs at that but you can’t bring yourself to remove your hands long enough to glare at him. “I can imagine the look on her face,” he comments and you can hear the smile in his voice.

  “Oh god, the look on her face was terrifying. I got told off for my language and then Ortega got told off for leading me on, even though he didn’t,” you laugh, “I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that I was just too used to calling him Ortega and I had to try to switch to Ricardo when I went over but every time I said the name I would flashback to that one moment and get embarrassed again.” you place your hands down on the table, “And every single time I called Ortega ‘Ortega’ she’d send a glare at him and he could never defend himself.”

 You shake your head, a small sad smile on your face, “I miss those days…” A small click as Chen stands at the stove the sound of sizzling filling the air, you watch his back. This is so different from back then. Chen wouldn’t have trusted to you, Ortega and Anathema would have pulled you into something stupid by now. You wonder if Ortega even told her you’re alive. Would she hate you for putting her son through all that pain in those years where everyone thought you were dead? Would she forgive you? Would she care what you are? Would she care where you had been, what you had suffered during your time back under their care? You’re not sure you want to know the answer.

  “Do you want eggs?” a simple question that causes you to burst into laughter. You find yourself doubled over, your laughter an overwhelming unstoppable force. This whole situation is ridiculous, this isn’t how it’s supposed to be Chen cooking you food as you both wait for Ortega to step through the door. Like it’s a normal day for normal people, a moment that feels too human for you to swallow.

 You can’t stop laughing, even as your legs start to shake uncontrollably and your knuckles turn white as your grip on your chair tightens. The sudden fear and panic coursing through you is almost unbearable. The calm daze of before has passed and every inch of your being is telling you you’ve made a mistake. Talking to Chen had been fine, but this whole situation had an eerie calm that you’ve been waiting on the edge for it to break. You’re still waiting for Chen to realize what’s really happening, for him to finally snap and hand you back to the farm.

 You’re still afraid you’ve told him too much but then your mind wanders to a thought that maybe you didn’t say enough to scare him away, to make him hate you. But here he is…  kneeling at your side, trying to get you to calm down enough to breathe. You can feel the workings of his mind and he’s not standing with you, so much with the neutral understanding he’s trying so hard to give you but at least you can feel that he gets it even if he disapproves of the methods you’ve used to get where you are.

   You take a breath, words tumbling out, “I think I should talk to Ortega alone.” The words don’t feel like yours, they contradict the panic in your thoughts; _Please stay I don’t think I can do this_. Chen’s been a solid force to stand against but Ortega has been your foundation. You can’t read Ortega though, you can’t know what he’s feeling you can’t erase what you’re about to tell him. He can easily push you over the edge, back into a free fall until you finally hit the bottom. Broken, shattered and hopefully dead this time.

 Chen is silent as he watches you worry at the forefront of his mind; for you, for Ortega. “I thought I had to ‘talk’ with Ortega too,” he crosses his arms, empty words that you can easily fill up to give you a way to tell him to stay.

 “Well if he doesn’t want to throw me out the nearest window when we’re done, I’ll fully encourage you to tell him so I can watch him yell at you instead,” you try to laugh again but it comes out awkward and broken. You could just erase Chen’s memory, make him forget everything from the moment you walked into his door. Then you can run, disappear never to be heard from again. You shake your head, your mind is panicking and all the options it’s giving you are going to lead to greater pain. Fuck.

 “You don’t have to do this alone Kiyo,” his hand on your shoulder anchoring the chaos of your mind back to the present.

 “Chen… I think I do,” maybe it’s a last ditch effort of the part of you that wants to die or maybe it’s the part that wants to finally be free from the lies. You don’t know for sure anymore. You keep trying to get better but for every step forward you take several back. Wanting Herald to drop you, telling your therapist the truth so she can help you; a back and forth of wanting to die and wanting to live that switches so fast you’re never truly sure where you’re at until you’re standing on the edge.

 He knocks his knuckles against of the wood of the table, his mind thinking, trying to figure out a course of action you both can take, “Do you want to go over what you want to say?” A plan, he knows that’s how your mind works. Make plans and follow through, adjust the plans based on variances and possibilities.

 “Alright…” your voice sounds quiet and broken. You can’t plan on what will really happen with Ortega. You both can get heated, and more likely than not this will end in a fight. He may even hate you from the start, grab you push you off the edge purposefully. It’s hours before either of you hear a knock at the door.


	10. Broken

**Ortega present:**

 Your knuckles rap against the door and from behind it the sound of claws against the wood floor rushing to meet you. You let it bring a smile to your face, temporarily pushing back the dread that’s filled your every nerve since Kiyo and Chen left the hospital. You don’t fully know why Kiyo has gone down the path he has and no matter where you searched for answers there was always something pointing you in a wildly different direction.

  You had thought he was being forced to work with Hollow Ground. That if you went willingly you could find some way to make them leave him alone. You were wrong though, like so many other things.

 You feel a frown tug at your mouth and you immediately shake your head, schooling your face back into a mask. Kiyo doesn’t need your self-doubt right now, he needs someone to support him and to listen to him without judgment. You need to help him because if you can’t you’ll lose him again and it will be so much worse. _Memories of his rigid movements, of the gun in his mouth, of you begging him to stop and watching helplessly as he went through the window._ You close your eyes and take a breath, don’t let the mask slip.

 You look up as Chen opens the door leash in hand, a happy Spoon tugging on it to leave and frown on his face. “Hey, taking Spoon out?” you keep your voice steady, joking. _Why is he leaving?_ You’re not sure if that’s a good sign, _did Kiyo run?_

“Yeah,” he looks back over his shoulder before he sighs, “He wants to talk to you alone… Ricardo…” his eyes meet yours, and you feel the sudden seriousness of this situation crush you with his next words, “Don’t do anything stupid.” An unsaid threat in his tone.

 You didn’t expect that you didn’t expect Chen to care this deeply or this strongly. You should be happy that they’re relationship has gotten so much better but all it does is twist your guts in worry. Chen wouldn’t warn you like this unless it was bad.

 “I won’t-”

 “Ricardo, I mean it,” he passes you, letting Spoon guide him forward. “If you fuck up we **will** lose him.”

 You nod your head sharply in understanding, you know what’s at risk. Kiyo’s life… yours… everything you’re trying to work for would be for nothing if you fucked this up.

 Chen spares you a single glance before leaving. You stand at the open door, the feeling of dread overwhelming as you stare into the apartment. You walk in closing the door behind you, each step bringing you towards inevitably. Like walking towards the gallows, but is it him or you that will be hanging? _Does he even want your help? How will you convince him to stop being Heartbreak?_

The name causes a shudder to run through your body. Heartbreak… you have been trying so hard to ignore that was the name he chose. The implications that come with it and everything you’ve heard from him, some things he doesn’t even know you heard, drawing a picture you don’t want to see.

 You reach the living room far sooner than either of you would have probably liked. He barely looks up from his chair as you walk in and sit across from him. An eerie quiet settles between you, none of your usual banter or platitudes. No more pretending that everything is fine.

 “Hey,” you murmur it but it sounds far louder than you’d like. He flinches in response, hands balling into fists before he lets out the breath he’d been holding.

 “Hey,” he looks up, swallowing nervously, “Ortega… how much do you think you know?”

 “You’re the new villain… Heartbreak,” you say it confidently and without doubt, no matter how much it hurts when he nods his head in confirmation, “I thought you were being forced to work with Hollow Ground… but that was wrong,” you scratch the back of your neck, “I thought he was the enemy you had mentioned.”

 He shakes his head, hesitation setting into his shoulders, “No… it wasn’t Hollow Ground…” you can almost feel the fear coming off of him. _Can he even risk telling you the truth?_ “Have…” he takes a shuddering breath, closing his eyes tight, “Have you heard of the Farm?”

 You look at him confused, “What do you mean?”

 “Fuck,” he mutters, shaking his head and opening his eyes, “The special directive.”

 Fear courses through you, you remember them. You remember your encounters with their Regens. So lifelike but also lifeless, machines that kept going after their objective relentlessly no matter their injuries. What does the Special Directive have to do with this?… the ambulance, “They had you..” they had him… doing who knows what. Experimentation? Trying to figure out how the hero drug affected him?

 “They did,” his face goes hard, but the emotions coming from him aren’t clear. Anger? Fear? “Ortega… they took me back…”

 “Back?” was he an agent that had worked for them? He was so young when you first meet him though… how could someone that young be an agent?

 “You’re not getting this,” his head ends up in his hands, gripping his hair, “I’m a Regen.”

 “No you’re not,” the words slip out in disbelief. He can’t be a Regen, you’ve met Regen’s and they are nothing like him. “Kiyo I don’t know what those tickets put into your head but you are not-”

 “I fucking am Ricardo!” he’s standing now, and you can clearly see his anger towards you. “I am a fucking Regen!”

 You stand, hands reaching towards him but he bats them away, “You are not a Regen Kiyo! I’ve worked with Regen’s and I can assure you that you aren’t one. This is just the special directive fucking with your head!”

 “You’re a fucking idiot!” he growls at you, unzipping his jacket, seething anger in every motion.

 “Kiyo, they fucked with your head you are not-”

…There’s only a tank top beneath the jacket, nothing else to hide the glaring orange marks that swirl across his skin… They marked him like he was their property and you can’t help but grit your teeth in anger.

 “Do you fucking get it now?!” he throws the jacket down, arms branded and crisscrossed with scars. Some of them you could name which fight he may have gotten them in, others you know are self-made. Some look like from before they marked him, the bright orange overpowering the scars beneath.

 “Kiyo…” you reach out hesitantly this time but he still flinches from your touch. You pull back, a sadness overcoming you. This is your fault. It’s your fault they were able to do this to him, that you didn’t even think to look for him. It’s a regret you’ve carried since the day you found him alive in that shitty little dinner. “Kiyo… I…” what can you say to this? What comfort can you offer to someone who’s been marked and forced to believe they’re not even human.

 “I’m not human Ricardo. I was made in a fucking tube, I was made to look female and I was trained to be a Cuckoo who can blend in with society. I’M NOT FUCKING HUMAN!” he says it desperately, trying to get you to understand, “All there was before was fear, everyone I tried to care about always torn from me and when my mission went to shit and I couldn’t contact them I tried to exist without them. Not because I wanted too but because I was afraid of the consequences.” He takes a breath and his gaze meets yours, “I _need_ you to understand that I have never been human.”

 All it does is add fire to your own determination. He’s human, he’s always been human… you may be wrong about the way they broke him but he is without a doubt in your mind human. They may have made him but he has the messy and complicated shit that makes a person the way they are. You grip his shoulders and this time he doesn’t fight you. Tiredness in his eyes, surrender to an inevitably that’s nonexistent.

 “Kiyo you are human. You may have been made in a fucking tube and they may have told you absolute shit but you are human and all they’re trying to do is strip that from you,” he tries to pull back anger flashing in his eyes but you pull him into a hug, “I love you so fucking much, and _I_ need you to understand that you are more than what they say you are.”

 He sobs into your shoulder, knees giving out and you’re barely able to hold him up, as he breaks down in your arms. You gently move to set him on the couch, letting him keep his tight grip on you. You know there’s more he needs to tell you but for now, all you want is to hold onto him and never let go again.


	11. Insert Title Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: mentions of self-harm, self-destruction, and these next chapters are going heavily into Kiyo’s depression and suicidal tendencies!!! Kiyo also going to go into panic attacks

**Kiyo:**  
 It feels like hours before you feel like you can breathe again. Blinking hard to erase the tears that still wish to flow. His arms still wrapped around you, still talking, still telling you things you’re too afraid to really hear. You push back, away from him but not out of his arms; one challenge down and more to come.   
 "Ummm, I..“ your voice catches, brain failing to pick up where it needs to continue. He knows the truth and you’re still so terrified of telling him more.  "There are other things you should know…”   
 "Take your time,“ whispered encouragement as he brings a hand to your face to gently cup it. You lean into it reluctantly seeking what little comfort you can find, fear still overwhelming every nerve even though the worst of it feels over.   
 "I..um wasn't… uhhh fuck,” why does this feel so much harder to admit? If he had reacted badly to you being a Regen than this would be over, you wouldn’t have to keep telling him truths. When would he say enough is enough and fully reject you? What truth is the one that will break everything?  
 You can feel the panic creeping back, the need to run competing with the need for him to finally know. Give you an excuse to live, ~~_give you an excuse to die_~~. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” His thumb rubs softly against your cheek, _but he wants to know_. You can see it in his face as he waits… quietly. You almost wish he’d go back to talking about nonsense.  
“I'm… I’m… I guess you could say I’m transgender,” you bite it out and you ready yourself to recoil away from him, just in case. But no biting remarks, no hint of danger in any way.  
 "Alright,“ almost calm acceptance if it hadn’t been for the way he looks like gears are churning in his head. "So you're…”  
 "A guy,“ you swallow the lump in your throat, "I was..  umm.. this is.. I’m definitely not what _they_ intended to create,” you almost feel like laughing but it catches in your throat. You are definitely not something they had expected, in more ways than one.   
 "I’d say that makes you more human,“ he smirks but you frown at him.   
 "Stop it,” you pull away from his hands backing up a space, “I’m not human… or at least not identifiable as one yet. That’s the whole fucking point of all this.” You look down not meeting his eyes, “I’m Heartbreak because I’m trying to get rid of the thing that clearly mark’s me as other.” Your hand reaching up, tracing the scars on your other arm, carefully avoiding the orange that mars your skin, “There’s no way to get rid of them without leaving more scars…”   
 You can feel your mind asking why you even care, you’ve already done plenty of damage to yourself. Punishment? Probably not as much as _they_ would want it to be, it’s more a way to remind yourself that you can still feel, that no matter what _they_ did to you, you still bleed red.  
 "Kiyo, what exactly was your plan?“ He says it like you’re going to give up said plan and find a better one. Chen thinks that too but you honestly don’t see any other options and you’re so close to being done. A few more parts, maybe even a few more weeks and you can finally have a freedom you’ve never had before. So you tell him everything he _wants_ to hear.  
…..

_Your feet pound against the roof, breath catching in your throat as you run to escape them. To escape him. There’s no armor to save you, to protect you from the fear that rushes through your veins. **He knows** , he knows and he hates you for the truth. You can feel pain running down your arm, the cut across your forehead bleeding into your eye. _

_The Rangers are an overwhelming force when you have nothing to protect yourself, no way to find purchase in their minds. You got lucky with Herald knocking him unconscious with a lucky hit but it wasn’t enough. It’ll never be enough. You stand at the edge, looking down, footsteps behind you. You take the only choice you have._

_******You fall**_

_A nightmare come true as the wind rushes past you, nothing left to catch you. You hear Ortega’s screams at some point but you can’t bring yourself to care. It’s finally over. No more fighting with yourself, just a wave of peace in knowing that this time it was high enough. That even if you can still breathe around the blood and shattered body that no one can save you now. No one can ever hurt you more than you’ve hurt yourself. No more fear, everything had to come to an end and at least you got to chose this time._

_You close your eyes waiting for the impact, the memory of pain._ But when you hit the ground you’re jarred back to reality. Blankets spill around you and your eyes refocus on your surroundings. _A dream… just a dream_. You can’t help the sob that makes its way out, head hitting the cold wooden floor. _There was no hate, there was no attack. Everything is okay._

It doesn’t feel like it though; _he knows everything_ … almost everything. He knows you’re a regen, he knows you’re transgender… but you may have neglected a few other details. You didn’t tell him what they did to you after they got you back, his entire presence had already wreaked of guilt. You don’t think you could handle him being guilty for something neither of you could have prevented. You sigh when you hear a knock against the door, pushing off the floor to stand unsteadily next to the bed.

 “Kiyo?” Ortega’s muffled voice comes through the door and you wipe a hand down your face, trying to rid yourself of the remaining nightmare. Everything feels like it’s too much, already a low buzz in your head, with every sound and touch sticking to your skin like a gritty film you can’t get rid of.

 “I’m fine,” you say loud enough for him to hear and look around before grabbing a nearby jacket, it slides against your skin causing an invisible pain, _too much_ , but you’d rather suffer it than have to show your tattoos again. You stumble a bit over the blankets but quickly find your balance as you open the door to find Ortega, a smile on his lips but concern in his eyes. It’s been day’s but he’s still afraid to leave your side… they both are. You glare at him and Chen who stands nearby arms crossed as he leans back against the hallway wall. “You guys realize you don’t have to keep constantly checking on me, right?”

 “Sure,” Ortega shrugs, a smirk making its way onto his face.

 “Seriously, you were the one in the hospital-”

 “And you _didn’t_ have to have emergency surgery?” Chen comments, eyes narrowing on you. You glare back, you can’t exactly argue against it. Honestly, your mind has been so numb you’ve barely registered the pain in your stomach. It’s healing faster than expected but still has a ways to go before you can easily just jump out the window and run far away from these two idiots. They made the unanimous decision amongst themselves that you should stay here until you’re better, both physically and mentally. Jokes on them, mentally you’re at the best state you can hope to achieve right now.

 “No, I had a _planned_ surgery,” you roll your eyes and push forward past Ortega. Focus back on the present, “I’ve got somewhere to be today.” And nothing is going to stop you from being there, you had this planned for far too long and since the world hasn’t shattered around you, you may as well stick to your plans. You’ll need to stop by your apartment and grab a few things; hopefully being in your home will help everything feel less noisy and let you restabilize yourself.

 You can feel their frowns as they watch your back and follow after you, Ortega being the first to voice his thoughts, “You shouldn’t-”

 “Ortega you can’t keep me here forever,” you sigh and turning around to face him. “I do have a life that doesn’t revolve around being Heartbreak.” Chen snorts in disbelief and you lean around Ortega to glare at him, only to be met with a soft look in his eyes. “Cheater,” you try to glare harder but all it does is bring a small smile to his face. You turn with a huff, leaning down to grab your shoes, slipping them on easily.

 “I was trying to say you shouldn’t go alone,” Ortega sighs, concern finally making its way fully to his face.

 “I’ll be fine… Besides I think you and Chen should talk alone,” you say it casually fighting the smile that’s threatening to break across your face. They both look at you confused until Chen realizes exactly what you’re getting at.

 “Kiyo,” he warns but you’ve been stuck with answering their questions for almost three days and it’s definitely someone else’s turn. Ortega looks back at him confused, missing the grin that spreads across your face as you look Chen in the eyes.

 “Chen’s had a crush on you for years and he still does,” you turn booking it out of the door, barely hearing Ortega’s exclamation of absolute confusion. You had wanted to have been around for this conversation but you need them preoccupied so you could go out alone. And knowing Ortega, he was bound to make that entire conversation as dramatic as possible. You can’t help the laugh that escapes as you rush down the stairs.


	12. Unexpected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This series will have spoilers! I also tried to make sure this chapter didn’t need any tag warnings but if you feel it needs some kind, message me so I can add them.
> 
> This is also the last part for the time being. There are some other works I want to work on right now but I may come back and add more to this series later.

**Steel present:**

You feel like you could strangle him the moment the words leave his mouth and he rushes out the door. This was not a part of the plan that the two of you had discussed. He was definitely hoping to use this as a distraction but neither of you would fall for-  
 "YOU’VE HAD A CRUSH ON ME!?“ Of course… Of course, Ortega falls for it hook, line, and sinker. You sigh pinching the bridge of your nose.  
 "This isn’t really-”  
 "All the times I’ve tried to set you up….“ Realization dawning on his face, "Fuck! I thought you just weren’t interested in relationships. Oh my god, you’ve-”  
 "Kiyo just left. _On his own_. I think that issue is more pressing,“ you try to move past him but he steadfastly blocks your way.  
 "He can handle himself,” he crosses his arms in agitation, starring you down, expecting some kind of truth. You don’t understand why either of them are pushing an issue that won’t change anything.  
  You find yourself shaking your head in disbelief at him. He’s the one that insisted someone stay with Kiyo, “You’re the one-”  
 "I know what I said and he can definitely be an idiot on his own but he can take care of himself long enough for this to be addressed first,“ he remains unbudging. Stubborn as always.  
 "I know he can handle himself, **I** told you that, but he also has a stab wound. If anyone takes him by surprise-”  
 "He’s a telepath,“ more confidence. You really do not want to discuss who you _definitely_ ******do not** have a crush on.  
 So you use a piece of information you’ve been holding onto for when Kiyo was more recovered and you could all start planning your next move, "Hollow Ground knows he’s a telepath. When we went to rescue you they had telepathic dampeners that Argent accidentally took out.” You watch as his face turns immediately to worry.   
 "…Fuck,“ he hesitates, sighing in frustration and turning towards the door only to swing angrily back, "This talk isn’t over.” His face turns from anger to contemplation before he shakes it, turning back and heading out the door.… without shoes.

 Goddamnit, why do you feel like the only adult here? You sigh hand wiping down your face and finally looking down at Spoon as he runs up happily to you. You lean down to pet him, before standing back up to head into the kitchen to double check that he has food and water and to grab your keys.

 “I need you to stay here for now,” you murmur, scratching gently behind his ears. He responds with a happy bark before trotting off to his bed. You smile softly and rise to your feet as Ortega walks back through the door.

 “Not a word,” he reaches down and grabs his shoes, heading back out the door. You shake your head in response, following him down the stairs. “He’s probably heading to his apartment,” he comments struggling to get his shoes on as he walks.

 “Do you know where that is?” You snort unintentionally as you try not to laugh as he almost falls over. He glances back at you with glare, stopping to fix his left shoe.

 “Yeah, where’s your car?” he steadies himself back upright, looking at you to make sure he sees you point out your car. You vaguely point in the right direction and he turns to move towards your care. “Just drive straight ahead, I’ll tell you when you need to turn.”

 You unlock your car, taking note of the empty space in front of it, and you quickly fall into the driver’s seat, with Ortega already slamming his door shut. You start the car, following his directions. A quiet settling between the both of you, causing a nervousness to itch between your shoulder blades.

 “I can’t believe you never told me,” it comes unexpectedly as he glowers out the window, refusing to meet your gaze. You sigh in response, _maybe the car was a bad idea_.

 “There was nothing to tell,” you respond because you know you’re not getting out of this conversation now. You could pull over and walk but as tempting as that is, this is the only fast solution of finding wherever Kiyo ran off too.

 “There was apparently plenty to tell if Kiyo thought it was worth knowing,” he crosses his arms leaning back into the seat.

 “He was using it to distract both of us.”

 “Wei,” he finally looks at you even though you can’t, too focused on the street ahead, _too focused on avoiding his gaze._ “Why didn’t you say anything.” you can hear the hurt in his voice, can see the way his lips frown when you look at him from the corner of your eye.

 “I thought you were straight,” a simple safe statement but you know he won’t be satisfied with just that, “And then Kiyo showed up and you…. Well, I realized I missed my chance,” you’re still not sure with who though. Memories of Ortega’s bright smile and how he did everything with reckless confidence. Kiyo young, brash, but always so fascinated by simple things others would have taken for granted. Both of them are so different now… No, you should say _all_ of you are different now.

 He’s quiet, studying you before shifting uncomfortably in his seat, “Why didn’t you ask after…” It’s said so softly you almost miss it, and it hurts more than it should that you both know exactly why you didn’t ask after Heartbreak. That he wants an answer he already has.

 “You were mourning,” you respond just as softly, “we both were.” He remains silent in response, looking back out the window. “Which way?”

 “Take a right at the next light,” he murmurs, lost in thought. You can almost understand Kiyo’s frustration with not being able to read his mind. “I don’t think I ever expected you to say you mourned for him,” you turn to look at him almost offended but he matches you with a roll of his eyes, “Don’t look at me like that. You never made an effort to make people think you could even stand him.”

  You turn your gaze back to the road, a frown on your lips, “I mourned him, and I regretted the way I acted…I admit I fucked up. Maybe things would have been different if I hadn’t acted the way I did _but we can’t change the past_ ,” you can’t change what you did or what you didn’t do.

  He huffs out a laugh, shaking his head demeanor shifting as a smile creeps onto his face, “…Sooo, if Kiyo and I weren’t-”

 “Do not say what you’re about to say.”

 “Come on, it’s a hypothetical question.”

 “It’s you trying to stroke your ego.”

 “Wei, I’m sure you know I can stroke more than that,” he grins at you, arching his eyebrows suggestively, “Next building on the left is our stop by the way.” You curse, willing the heat to leave your face as you pull over into the next available spot. You try to ignore him, unbuckling your seatbelt only to pause as you move to get out of the car.

 “I wouldn’t have pursued _you_ ,” you stress the last part, getting out of the car with a smirk.

 “…Wait…What???”

**…**

 The door is ajar when you finally reach it, with you still steadfastly ignoring Ortega’s questions and only talking to him to demand the room number.

 “Seriously, what did that mean-”

 “Ortega shut up,” you motion to the door and he immediately quiets. You flex your hands, belatedly remembering they’re your civilian hands. Maybe you should have come more prepared just in case.

 “I’ll go first, wait for my say,” Ortega whispers, hands sparking as he pushes past you, falling easily back into being a Ranger, a leader. He gently opens the door, peering inside and signals to you that the room is empty. He slips inside, moving with quiet determination. You wait, listening carefully but all you can hear are Ortega’s soft footsteps. A moment later he opens the door with a frown, “It’s empty but it looks like someone tore through here looking for something.”

 Peering past him, the room is a mess, items thrown haphazardly around but nothing looks purposely broken, “Kiyo maybe?”

 “How would he have beat us here?”

 “I’m pretty sure he hotwired the car that was sitting in front of mine. It had been sitting there for weeks untouched,” you cross your arms entering the room. It’s smaller and more rundown than what you would have expected. You remember in the past, he had been living in where ever he could find shelter. This place is probably his first proper home.

 He moves towards a table picking up a picture frame that had been knocked to the ground, “Why would he have left the door open then?” You watch as he frowns, setting the picture face down on the table.

 “He’s already in a rush avoiding us,” you do one more glance over, “And most of this just looks like someone hasn’t cleaned in a while. Is this what it looked like when you came over?” Maybe you’re just seeing things this way because you’re trying not to worry. He doesn’t respond and you turn to find him rubbing the back of his neck. “Ortega,” you sigh.

 “I found it on accident… looking into another lead,” he shrugs, crossing his arms defensively.

 “Do I even want to know?”

 “Probably not,” he shrugs again, “If he’s already been here we should look elsewhere.” He looks around before his gaze settles back on you, “So what do you mean you wouldn’t have pursued _me_?”

  You cross your arms matching his stance, eye’s narrowing on him, “What lead were you following that led you here?” He pouts as you look at him expectantly, before throwing up his hands in surrender.

 “Fine, we won’t talk about _that_. Where else do you think he would go?”

 “I have a few ideas.”

…

 Five hours later and no lead to tell where Kiyo went or if he was alright. You pull into your parking spot, sighing tiredly. You’re not sure what to do other than wait for a sign from him.

 “Is that the car you were talking about?” Ortega sits straight in his seat and you immediately notice it too.

 “Yes,” you’re both out of the car without a second thought, heading straight for your apartment.

 Ortega already ahead of you, way faster than you could ever hope to be. He takes the stairs to by two and you find yourself slowing down. If Kiyo’s back you may as well give them some time together. Let Ortega worry over him.

 So you climb the stairs normally, holding back the urgent need to know he’s okay. Kiyo has always been able to take care of himself… maybe that’s another problem though. You remember seeing the scars that marred his arms. Wounds hastily stitched together by his own hand.

 You shake your head, another thought for another time. You reach the door, it easily opening and the sound of Kiyo laughing feels the room. You enter to find them both on the ground spoon happily laying next to Ortega as Kiyo holds….

 “You didn’t,” you pinch the bridge of your nose in frustration. Kiyo looks up at you with a smile, holding a bundle of fur that looks far too large to be the puppy you know it is.

 “I told you I was going to get one,” he shrugs as the puppy barks happily, trying to escape to play with Spoon.

 “Please tell me you didn’t steal it,” this is a complication no one needed right now.

 “Hey! I bought him!” he looks at you offended as he hugs the dog closer to his chest.

 “With stolen money,” you cross your arms looking at him disapprovingly.

 “Chen,” Ortega stands up, a mischievous smile on his face, “Lighten up,” you don’t register what he’s doing until his mouth is pressed against yours. You open your mouth ready to tell him off and your hands ready to push him away but he takes advantage adding tongue to the kiss.

 You can feel a blush creeping into your cheeks, and when he finally pushes away you feel like you’ve been punched in the gut. _Fucking Ricardo Ortega_.

 He has the gall to wink at you, “That’s for not telling me.” You stare at him even as Kiyo breaks into a fit of laughter.

 Kiyo breathes hard trying to catch his breath long enough to speak. “Holy fuck, Chen feel free to punch him.”

 “Hey wait a sec-”

 You don’t even hesitate.


End file.
